Ceramic Girl
by J-crusader
Summary: One faithful event leads Natsuki and Shizuru to realise the nitty-gritty of the battle over almost everything. ShizNat. AU
1. Prologue

**A/N**: I know it is not a good excuse, but please pardon the grammar mistakes within the story, I did not study any form of grammar in school. Only Nouns, verbs and maybe a little bit of conjunctions? This work is entirely fictional. For Chloe, through rain of ice and fire.

Enjoy!

* * *

_She saw me._

_However she did not know that I screamed her name._

_Over and over again._

* * *

I was unlucky, or should I say lucky?

Lacrosse practice ended earlier than usual and I figured as much that since it was a Thursday, Shizuru would not be in the pool swimming. I showered fast, changed quickly and made my way to the library.

One had to pass the upperclassman homerooms on route to the library. It was not far from the lacrosse lockers, and since the sun was barely on its way down beyond the horizon, I made the effort to walk a little more slowly. One should take the opportunity to appreciate the scenery, Shizuru would say. I heard a clatter or two down the corridor and curiosity killed the cat and urged me to find out what created such an awkward clatter and groan.

I stepped pass the closed backdoors of my homeroom class 3-B and peeped through the curtain drawn windows that lined the empty orange sun lit corridors. Much to my surprise to find Shizuru's crimson eyes looking hazily at me.

Much to say…

Well.

There was nothing to be said.

I knew she had noticed me through the thin veil. I knew what I saw.

Vividly clear, as I could remember.

Curtains, desks and all.

Neturo Ren's back was not just something that could be easily forgotten. It could be etched into one's mind if it was about his lean and sturdy frame. Definitely. This picture of him burned into my mind. It certainly did, since he was half-naked; chiselled back faced the corridors with a red-face, shirtless Shizuru pushed up against the wall, wrapped and …

And I just smiled.

And called out softly, to no one in particular,

'I'll head home first.'

* * *

Our fathers attended the same university course together. Our mothers were colleagues.

I use to live in a small district in the Akita Prefecture, North-west of Japan, name forgotten. Shizuru lived somewhere near the Southeast. If our parents were very good friends, it meant both families got along well together and I never asked how we met.

No siblings too.

We never talked much, but we always stuck together. We grew to become good friends, never a bother to each other. However time passed quickly when we were kids and before I knew what time could do, we were already starting to change.

When Shizuru moved to Saitama before the first year of middle school started, my family had then moved to Sendai. Visits were rare due to the buzz and hustle of the city, but someway or another, we managed to find the time to visit. The trips and visits hardly remembered.

Due to some uneventful events, my family moved again not long after and this time to Saitama. Coincidentally or not, Shizuru had since then become my neighbour.

I was enrolled to the same middle school she attended and then coincidentally -again-, or not, ended up both going to the same high school. It was probably due to the fact our middle school had an escalator system to high school.

We had regained our childhood intimacy from our younger days and nothing much changed except how she became more enigmatic than when I came to know her. Our behaviours remained more or less the same and only our height and looks told different tales.

We were in different classes, had different homeroom teachers and attended different after school co-curricular activities. She was the star of the swim team since young and I was the _not-so-good_ in the lacrosse team, likewise, we were different, very different, yet I saw we were alike in such simple small ways.

Shizuru enjoyed being by herself than be stalked or herded by groups of adoring admirers; a rare gem amongst the coal. She spent her free time reading in the library than join the other girls in her class that stared outside their homeroom windows to watch the boys in their soccer practice. Shizuru preferred to eat on the roof of the school block than in the canteen where she knew that herds of students would be watching her every action.

She preferred to be alone and stay alone, as did I.

Yet, awkwardly I did not know why she rather be _alone_ with me than be by herself.

Was not being alone just being by yourself?

It started in the first quarter of our first year in high school; I bumped into her while I was on my way to the roof to dry the jerseys that my club manager had forgotten to take out of the wash. She accompanied me during lunch period and she waited until I was done before we broke into our meals. I had asked her why when I sat down with her under the summer shade that was cast by the rails surrounding the perimeter of the roof.

The diamond, criss-cross shape beautiful on the rugged tiles.

Shizuru opened her lunch box while I opened the plastic wrap to my dried rice cake. She poked the egg rolls her mom had made with her chopsticks and looked across the roof where the jerseys were drying under the sun. Her voice was difficult to catch through my hasty chewing, but I managed,

'Having lunch with you makes the food taste so much better.'

Really?

The comfortable silence between us always stayed the same.

* * *

I had dreams of riding a bicycle when I lived in Akita, like in the comics I read on the local bus services, but I never got to. My mother said I was reckless enough to get knocked down by a car. One day or another.

When we moved to Saitama, my parents finally agreed to my pleas on buying a bicycle. My reason? I could use it to ride to school, it would cut the commuting time and it certainly meant that I could catch a little bit more sleep before scrambling out of bed. My father bought a bicycle for me towards the end of middle school –since I was less reckless-, an affordable normal black bicycle.

Then, Shizuru use to complain that when I rode slowly along side her to school, she would have to put in the extra effort to keep up with my pace. When I quipped on why she did not want to get a bicycle too, she refused to answer and had kept her silence all the way to school. Still she silently made the effort to keep up with me.

However, there was a period where I hardly rode my bicycle too.

During that time, my black bicycle parked itself at the small porch of my house and just stayed the way it was. My parents were silently glad that I did not really cycle to school, but Shizuru was the opposite. She did have a perfectly valid excuse to complain and she did so on why I was not cycling.

It was not that I did not really want to cycle; neither did I want to not cycle… I had a perfectly valid reason too!

I was justly afraid.

Just that when I did cycle then, she would have had the guts to ask,

'Could Natsuki cycle me to school?'

I was not afraid of her. I was just afraid that when she touched me, I would not, at all, be able to move a muscle.

Now there is no one to complain.

* * *

Since Shizuru and I are neighbours, our houses are next to each other.

In simple words, her bedroom window leads to mine.

All she had to do was to step across the small partition and climb through my window. It did not really require a lot of energy actually.

I found that on the first day my family moved in, Shizuru was rapping on my room's window before I could even settle myself in. I had wondered how she had gotten there when her parents were downstairs at the porch getting reacquainted. She had then showed the way to get to her room to mine. It did wonders, so it seemed then.

Some nights there would be tapping on my window and in the end, eventually, I kept my window open so she could easily enter as I could to hers. Always complaining about how untidy my room was because I twitched at how neat her room stayed. Well to be fair, my room was labelled as cluster chaos and hers, just irritatingly tidy.

Some tidying would be done but I always kept my hands away from her things the only object I did touch, in someway, was her bed.

Nothing rated.

That was for sure.

Shizuru would spread herself on my bed during her study breaks or when silence was the only company in her house. Her parents, much like mine, were always out.

I had a PlayStation in my room but she rather worm around in my unmade bed than play with the games I willingly offered to her to play. No one dared touched it, since I stared down anyone who tried. Shizuru, seemingly, was the only exception I made.

On the other hand, I would sit on her bed spread and read a magazine whenever she needed my company over, whenever she needed someone to tease about, or when she just wanted to talk about on how the math teacher picked on her. However, mostly silence was all that engulfed us as she would sit at her table, do her work and get accustomed to my aloof presence.

During summer nights and like all sleepovers girls and boys had, Shizuru would invite herself into my room with her pillow and crawl uninvited into my bed, crushing me while I tried to sleep. It became a routine after two weeks when she first started and I realised that she was not going to stop until summer was over. Eventually, I gave up on trying to chase her back to her own room even though it made my room even stuffier as the house had no air conditioning.

Shizuru was a heavy sleeper then and she surprisingly moved around a lot. I was nudged roughly in the stomach during the first sleepover and I woke up with a few bruises. The next night, I slept on the floor after she fell asleep on my bed. She complained the next morning upon finding me on the floor. I had then rolled onto my back to ask her why she wanted me on my bed with her when she psychically chased me off.

Shizuru looked at me from the side of my bed and folded the sheets,

'You chase all the nightmares and bring me the sweetest dreams.'

I think I do get her nightmares.

Do I?

My small smiles always go unnoticed.

* * *

Shizuru drags me all the way down to Tokyo, Shibuya, Saturdays, fortnightly.

It was her shopping day.

Shizuru's Saturday Shibuya Shopping.

And it was consumingly expensive on my train pass.

However, I did not once complain since she always went out with an alarming amount of energy and I benefited from the free lunches. I get woken in the early morning with her usually walking straight into my room via the window, sometimes the door, and pulling off my covers in a single swift sweep. I hate it when people do that and Shizuru knew that better than anyone else, but somehow she could tolerate my grumpy mood and drag a reluctant me down to the train station.

More shopping time was spent during the winter than in the other seasons, why winter? From morning to night, how can that seemingly be possible?

For Shizuru, it seemed nothing was impossible.

Sometimes during cold days, she would go gloveless while moving through the streets. I always worried for her, and when her fingers do turn red, I usually end up offering to hold her hands. Certainly after a while, it takes effect and when her hands eventually warm up, she brims with newfound happiness. Every step with a bounce.

When I grumpily lecture her about her unusual habit or forgetfulness, her grip tightens. She would give a chuckle and say,

'You bring the summer, don't you?'

Certainly, I was born in the summer.

But does that also mean I bring along the heat?

It stays warm until we part at our respective houses and her touch lingers, growing like a flame.

* * *

During school breaks, Shizuru would have her swimming practices in the school pool and she would be sometimes be assigned with some other swimmers the duty of cleaning the pool after all the swimming activities were done. With that, she, as expected, would drag a reluctant me, once again, to accompany her. Sadly during these times, I do not get any free food, and in the end, I always end up helping her.

In one or two occasions they would drain the pool of the water and scrub the walls. I would brush quickly in vain to avoid the sprays of water that Shizuru and the others would be playing with. She had drenched me from head to toe once and I was sure there was never going to be the end of it. Cleaning usually finished by the late afternoon and she would always try to drag me down into the blue.

One way or another, we would end up sitting by the pool with popsicle sticks in hands, which mine would not get surprisingly stolen away by Shizuru, much to my dismay. We would sit on the baby blue floor; sometimes quietly bring up the most random things until purple painted the sky. Shortly after we would make our way home with the rest.

I had asked her once, when she came out of shower, fresh and clean from scrubbing the pool area, why she enjoyed swimming. Shizuru thought for a while as I gestured her to start walking out through the school gates. The other clubs and their members heading back as well. I had thought she had forgotten the question as silence hung over us all the way down to the road junction. She had then grabbed my hand and tugged me to walk a little faster, smiling,

'Maybe it's because I feel free in a world surrounded by water.'

Oh.

At least that was one answer she did not relate me with.

Then the question shot back.

Why I enjoyed being in the lacrosse team?

It was true I was not the star like Shizuru was in the swim team. I was just like any other that waited for their turn during competitions. Yes, I gave the maximum amount of effort I could even though I knew that I would not be a top player in the team. Then again, why was I in Lacrosse when I knew I would be doing better in other activities like _aikido_, _kyudo_, or even _kendo_?

Did I really enjoy being in that sport?

I had kept awfully quiet all the way home, not because I did not know how to answer, or did not know the answer. I just did not know how to put it out correctly. Shizuru did not push on; seemingly because she knew the way things were or just something else Shizuru thought about.

Then again, recently I stumbled onto the right words and found that it was right under my nose since that questioning moment. It was not a simple answer like Shizuru's. Even so, if I returned to give my answer, it will fall meaninglessly on her ears.

Yet, if back then I had realised why, I would have convincingly said,

'I enjoy learning how catch and maybe one day, I would be able to reach out and safely catch you.'

Maybe one day, after so much that has happened.

* * *

There was a summer trip, once, during our first year of high school if I recalled correctly; Shizuru had brought me down to Kosagawa beach located back in Akita. As usual, I was dragged out of my house and tugged all the way down to the station where we took an Express train all the way up to sea. We left very early in morning and I slept on the way there, unknowingly falling asleep on a man's shoulder, making that the butt of all jokes and teases Shizuru threw at me that day.

The rainy season prior to summer that year was heavier than usual, so it somehow blessed us with good sunny weather. That, on the other hand, Shizuru said she had tied more than one _teru-teru bouzu _outside of her room balcony the night before and prayed to have fine weather. I laughed, so it seemed.

The beach was filled with a decent amount of people that we did not need to fight for a place to lay out our mats. Shizuru had the habit of changing without privacy so I had to force her to stop stripping herself down before she caught on a crowd. I had dragged her to the changing rooms and locked her in a cubicle until she had finished changing; luckily I had the lame excuse that I need not change for I had my period.

She fussed about that bleeding problem the whole morning; I still wondered how I slept through it.

I had insisted she wear the one piece than the two-piece, but she never listened to my pleas and came out shinning even brighter that she attracted the crowd of boys faster than I expected. Being star in swim team was good, but having the looks to fit the role was the death of me.

I had excused myself to get some drinks and returned to find Shizuru wandering off only God knew where.

I searched high and low and decided if I stayed at where we had kept our things, she would eventually come back. I had then spent the next few hours soaking in the sun, luckily to have creamed on a good layer of sun block or else I would have ended up like a lobster. When Shizuru did not return for while, I rolled up my sleeves of my shirt to check whether any of the boys from earlier had taken her away.

None of them wanted to taste my fury, as it seemed, running away quite eagerly at the sight of me.

Eventually I found Shizuru at the drink stall, talking quite heartily with the old stall vendor. She appeared to be enjoying herself like she had always been when she was alone. I decided not to disturb her and returned to our spot. Later after spending another few hours trying to build a sand castle with a few kids that found my hair colour oddly beautiful, I could feel Shizuru's gaze on me, distant.

She looked happier than usual but then again, lost in some way.

When the sun was setting, and the sky blazing with orange and lavender, I realised that Shizuru looked more tired than I and suggested that we head back like everyone else. Yet she insisted that we stayed a little longer and soon pleaded that we stay a night at the nearby inn. However watching her struggle to stay awake while we walked along the breaker, I carried her on my back and managed to take the last local bus service to my relative's house nearby.

On the bus ride there, she slept on my shoulder and I asked her when we reached my relative's house on why she insisted to stay the night near the beach. Shizuru had leaned her head onto my shoulder and murmured before drifting off to sleep again,

'Another day with you would make summer longer.'

Even though I was born as a summer child.

I could not do that.

I could not get that.

Even though how much I wanted to.

* * *

Shizuru had the awkward tradition ever since our first _setsubun_ as neighbours. Throwing beans at me to her meant she would be chase away the demons away from me. It seemed to me like she was chasing me –the demon- away. Nonetheless, it was hilarious and fun to play along, to see Shizuru act like a child, immature and unrefined. The only issue I complained about were the beans that littered my room after everything was done.

It was no surprise that Shizuru stayed over for the night. The surprising thing was that during the seasonal change of winter to spring of our second year, I had found that she was not the heavy sleeper like she was, but still, light and peaceful. It was a change since she would always be able to catch me and force me to stay on the bed with her when I decided to move to sleep on the floor.

I complained, but as strong willed and stubborn Shizuru was, I always ended up being crushed by her side as she lulled herself to sleep with a soft hum of contentment. I would find myself falling asleep only after she had done so and I would wake up with her loosely tucked against my body and breathing in a rhythm of content.

I found it strangely contenting too.

Maybe because it was Shizuru… like everyone said.

I had then asked her again why she wanted me on the bed with her. That time while she stood adjusting her school tie, she turned and passed me a brief smile,

'It feels as if you would disappear the moment I lose sight.'

Disappear.

I do not think I would disappear at all.

Unless someone wanted me to.

* * *

During second year, Shizuru's homeroom class was next to mine and she came over to my class every break to talk to me, giving the excuse that I would be sitting at my desk and minding my own business. I like to mind my own business, unlike Shizuru who sometimes made her way into other people's business, whether she liked it or not.

Her friends in her class had asked her countless times, when I had pushed myself to wait for her outside her class instead of her coming for me; why bother talking to someone who did not even want to talk. It was not that I did not want to talk; sometimes there was nothing to talk about.

Shizuru's response would always be that same small smile and light chuckle,

'Her presence is comforting.'

Am I that satisfying?

I relished in those words.

* * *

There was always the annual spring cultural school festival held in the first semester of school. Every student had a part to play since everyone, that meant the public, was invited. Shizuru and I were already in our second year, so we needed not to depend on our seniors to help us organise and sort out the logistics. Shizuru's class decided to sell mini handcrafted objects which they, themselves were going to make. My class on the other hand…was well, much more disorganised and uncooperative. The boys in my class wanted the girls to set up the all time favourite maid café, whereas the girls in my class wanted the boys to do a host club; which they seemingly did not realise were both already being done by our seniors.

In the end, after much quarrelling, my class decided to set up a fortune telling booth which they had forcibly volunteered me as one of the fortune-tellers. Being forced, was not volunteering.

During the festival, I was dressed up with a turban that made my head feel weirdly uncomfortable, and a huge cloak that covered my school uniform underneath. All I did then was to sit in the dark lit tent in my class and make up lies in that either crushed or gave hope, in front of a remote controlled crystal ball.

It was fun.

Well sort of.

I felt terribly guilty after that.

Though we ran on shifts, I was unable meet up with Shizuru and buy at least a thing or two from her class stall. Everything was hectic so I decided that after everything was over, and when everyone was packing up, I would take the chance to slip out to surprise her. In the end, like always, she surprised me when she appeared at the bins when I was throwing away the trash.

She handed me a beaded hand bracelet that matched hers and twirled around happily, saying that it was a gift. I joked along with her as she accompanied me back to class that maybe I would have her future told for giving me something she put in so much effort to create. I had still thought she was joking when she asked me,

'What about my relationship with you?'

I replied with ease without much notice that her eyes lingered on me throughout the conversation. I said,

'It will last forever.'

Would it?

Will it?

* * *

Summer like Shizuru always said to me, was all about love.

Was it always all about love? It was and is still kind of awkward.

Usually towards the end of spring, Shizuru would drag me to see whether the watermelons were on sale. They were not my favourite fruit, but well said that they were the best fruit to gain refreshment from during the hot summer period. The only problem I had with watermelons was that they were very -extremely- heavy, especially when Shizuru always bought the heaviest and the largest that were on sale.

To carry it all the way back home from the street market under the scorching sun was not nice at all.

But to have it eaten after all the hard work; that was the best.

We usually ate the slices on the back road that faced the high walls of the other houses; it was the best place to enjoy the shade and the sun on Saitama. On days that we ate watermelons, Shizuru, at night, would bring out sparklers and light them up and see them cackle away until they died off with small soft flick. The flame of her sparkler would not last long and I would always hear her cheering them on to stay alive until the end.

I would content myself to lying on the veranda of her house, fanning myself, and listen to her voice and the distant shrills of the cicadas. There was once I picked up a sparkler and joined her in the garden. As she cheered on the flame that burned golden, I had asked her absentmindedly about the love that summer was all about. I watched my spark carry on until the end and Shizuru reached out to light another. She smiled as the flame brought a warm glow to her face,

'It comes from everything, even from the biggest form to the smallest.'

* * *

I took summer classes in my second year and Shizuru being one of the top fifteen students teased me endlessly about how I had to take extra classes to catch up with whatever I was lacking at. I had lacrosse practice after that so it made me even more exhausted than I usually would be; the summer heat drains everything. Shizuru had swimming practice on alternate days during the week, so on the days that she stayed back, she waited up and walked back with me.

There was once where swim practice for her ended late and I checked up on her by the fence that separated the pool from the track. She was still in the pool doing a few laps with a few of her team mates and I realised even though having watched her swim before, Shizuru swam swiftly like a swordfish. Her strokes smooth and clean, elegant yet powerful and strong.

I was caught staring by her team and I noticed that one of them shot back harshly at me. A good-looking boy, tall and well built. He looked like an upperclassman; I had then feared of going near him. When Shizuru pulled out from the pool, everyone around her joked and laughed; he was the only one that did not. I felt somewhat uneasy and gestured to the direction of the entrance of the school with my lacrosse stick.

Shizuru clearly understood what I meant, sliding a wave at me.

In turn, I quickly left the fence.

His gaze was not anywhere near welcoming like the rest.

Shizuru did not take long and we left the entrance when the sun was setting. She had tugged onto my free hand and led me down the road. I had wondered what had put her in such a good mood and I asked her when we were walking down the stretch down to our houses. The sky was violet, washed in her favourite colour and Shizuru pinched me hard on the cheeks for no reason and ran off down to her house.

She grinned at me and waved as she opened the door,

'I could not agree better!'

To what could she not disagree?

Until now it still lingers…somewhat.

* * *

Then, I did not know how to cook, so much like my father, just that I enjoyed food more than he did. My mother was the only one that knew how to cook in the house, so my father and I relied on her for the meals, or we would be seen eating instant noodles from the cup, ordering takeout or eating out. There was once, my father had called home to say that he had a dinner function to attend to and my mother had called no later to say the same thing, and I was to get something for myself.

I was sure they were waiting for me to blow up the kitchen.

That day, Shizuru came over to pass me back my files and found me preparing to boil water for some cup noodles. At that, she stopped me and pushed me over to her house where she too was eating by herself. Her parents were not in town for the week and I wondered if I could had survived on takeout and instant noodles for such a period. I thought that I would have died if such a thing ever happened.

Blowing up kitchens.

I joined her for dinner at the table and I, for the first time, realised how she could cook wonders though how simple the meal was. When we had finished, I stayed behind to help her clean the dishes after going through her pleading that I returned and finish whatever I needed to do. Luckily, I had nothing to do. I complimented her on her cooking and in a rare moment, I saw her face turn red.

She laughed softly and smiled,

'I would cook for you even if you did not need me to.'

Then I would eat until she finds a need to stop.

Was it then that I realised why my stomach ached?

* * *

I use to enjoy autumn like everyone who did not oppose it. Then again, near the end of summer in my second year, I had said to myself that autumn was the season I was never ever going to look forward to.

Childish.

But it always brought in the dead feeling that something terrible was going to happen.

Back then, it rarely rained during the autumn and sometimes it turned cold out there despite anything, morning or night. On the other hand, Shizuru enjoyed autumn as much as summer, winter and spring; well, that made up all the seasons. She had told me there was no reason behind it; simply because I was with her every season, here or there. She was my neighbour and schoolmate; that was a fact.

However, for me, I just could not look forward to it.

Seemingly so, it duly reminded me of someone that got in my way.

Or maybe…

Or maybe then he had more guts than me to say,

'Would you go out with me?'

* * *

Most of the girls in school would swoon at his maturity, most of the boys were his friends; the teachers were always elated when they mentioned his test results.

I did not really know about that.

Only then did I really know about his existence, or who he was.

He was the school's sort of Mister Perfect. Indeed, he had dazzling teeth and a good body that all the girls drooled over at the sight of it. He was not an exhibitionist; he just happened to be since he is in the swim team for all what is worth. Well, he joins in Aikido training too, helps out in the Student Council and soon as a pair of helping hands in the lacrosse team…

I had not prayed for a person like that breathing beside me.

Shizuru need not to tell me she had gotten a boyfriend when apparently the whole school screamed it out to me. I was not the first to know and it hurt, quite a deal. Then again, who was I? I realised I was just Natsuki, Shizuru's neighbour, her very good friend since childhood. Not her boyfriend.

Yes, I did hear him ask her out, but I did not know why I did not bother to stay to hear her answer.

It was after school practice, once again, I had ended early and headed to the pool fence to catch Shizuru; whether her training had ended or not. When I arrived with my lacrosse stick and all, I caught sight of her standing by the poolside, body still in swim attire. She was caught up in a conversation with the same lean looking boy who had stared me down me previously and she did not at all seem uncomfortable.

Maybe it was just my eyes.

Or that I was still under the influence by his impression that summer day?

I had wanted to call out to her but the rustle of the early autumn winds managed to bring his sweet words for her to me. I had dropped my lacrosse stick then and I did not know why my fingers had decided to go loose. The clatter caught Shizuru's attention in a flash and so did it to the boy. Shizuru had locked her eyes on me and I trembled there for a second.

I picked up my stick clumsily and gestured to the school entrance as usual and walked off dumbly knowing that they knew I had overheard their conversation. Yet, who I was to interfere. I was Natsuki.

Summers ago, Shizuru had looked at me from my bed when I sat on the floor fixing my model kit and said,

'After all, you're my Natsuki.'

I was, I think, years back.

That was so long ago.

When the summer sky seemed so far away.

* * *

I did not know why Shizuru had decided to call me out, well, right on a day when he had asked her and only her.

His name.

Neturo Ren.

Upperclassman.

Though he and I were of the same year.

A complex that I had grown to call him even when I talked to Shizuru about him. Calling by his name just did not seem right, maybe it never will. I did not want to try either. Shizuru had woken me up by coming through the window again, throwing off my covers and tugging me up. The only thing she did not do as usual was to sit on me when I refused to budge an inch. I found that quite surprising, well maybe not, since Upperclassman was outside and would probably hear my yell if she did so.

Yet, she still dared to act that he was not there when we walked down Shibuya that shopping Saturday.

I managed to free myself from her scrutiny and nudge her over to him, where he automatically acted as what was to be. However what was still weird was that she kept her gaze lingering on me even though I was the lamppost of the day. I was able to sneak out on the both of them during lunch and I made my way to an arcade centre, only about a few minutes later to find both of them frantic and her eyes in search for me.

Maybe, I should not had done that so abruptly.

The day went by quite awkwardly, I was placed in a weird position since I had another pair of curious eyes on me; it was not at all pleasant.

I think it was since then that Shizuru suddenly became a different girl I use to know and her words made things seem even weirder than what usually was.

Upperclassman had left to take the bus back to his house than sending Shizuru back home; a reason she did not tell me. I protested a little, but then again when I had realised what I was saying was out of context, I had asked myself, where did I stand?

I was certainly not cooperative throughout the day.

Instead of heading back after he had left, we circled around Shibuya station before hopping onto a train back up north. The train back up to Saitama was packed- unusually -, and within the sardines of suits and uniforms, Shizuru suddenly embraced me fiercely and breathed into my neck,

'If only you were there.'

I was.

Was I not?

* * *

Winter was Shizuru's season and it was the coming Saturday that was her birthday.

Saitama was to be colder than Tokyo for the next few days and I had wondered whether it was a good enough idea to bring her for shopping on Saturday than she bringing me. I had thought about it on Friday, but certainly; my plans were foiled by Upperclassman. What could I have said? He was the boyfriend. I went back home alone after school, leaving Shizuru with him to walk way in front of me; out of my vision.

I already had a numb feeling within my body and had the premonition that I was going to get a fever. Shizuru had noticed that I was a little pale during lunch but I waved it away, hoping that it would not make her concern for me rise another level. Winter was not always my best buddy; summer was, yet in so little ways. Neither friend nor foe. When I reached home, I had found a note from my mother saying that dinner was in the oven and my father had left in the afternoon for business in Italy.

Home, all to myself.

Time was quick on its feet that day and I made it pass dinner on my own, safely. By the time it had struck nine, I was starting to get dizzy, but knowing myself for being a stubborn head, I pushed myself to go out to get a can of warm coffee from the vending machine down the road corner. I had left the house in only my sweater and came back feeling a little light in the head.

And there I went crashing when my mother came through the door.

I had thrown up on the couch and it was a terrible mess so to speak, having given it a new colour than its usual warm grey. I went down with a high fever and my mother had rushed me to my room, a trail of vomit on the stairs, a puddle after each other. I think I gave the house a whole new interior décor that night. As my mother suspected, I had come down with the usual stomach flu. I was the first person my parents would think about if one had to know who had the worst dressing sense, not fashion, but sense.

I should have worn my coat instead of only my sweater.

But then, should it not have been enough?

I guessed not.

My mother had left a small pail beside my bed that night, and I certainly used it frequently. Having emptied my stomach from food, all that was left to throw up were my gastric juices. The night did not pass as much as I wanted to. It was a nightmare, but indeed the blame was on me for being such an idiot. Apart from that, I kept my window unlock, hoping that Shizuru would notice that my lights were not on when the night had just started. However, I think I had expected too much from her.

I managed to sleep through Saturday on an empty stomach, knowing that I would only throw up if I ate something. My mother had left a lot of fluids for me to drink and by the time I had finished the last bottle of Pocari she had bought for me, it was already night. I had to eat something and when I was able to manage to swallow a spoon of porridge without throwing it back out, it was already Sunday.

Oh.

I had not even wish Shizuru a happy birthday.

That was certainly a first for me.

I was exhausted to the bone and I knew I did not need to worry about doing any abdominals for the next few training sessions; vomiting was certainly helpful, in just an awful way. My mother had piled layers and layers over me, keeping me warm enough for another night. The small pail was left there for emergency and I had left my window unlocked again.

I did not know what time it was, but I was sure it was still night. My room lights were off, and I did not know whose hand exactly it was that was pushing the hair on my sticky forehead to the side. I had thought it was my mother checking on me but when my nose caught onto Shizuru's scent, I manage to croak out her name.

It sounded awful, but oh well.

At least I was being polite.

Shizuru had moved slightly to side and with the sleepy vision of mine, I could not really grasp onto her features. However, I knew that it was Shizuru and she was more than worried for me. The fatigue was overwhelming and I had closed my eyes when she started to stroke my hair once again. I heard movement beside me and in the next instant I felt something warm press onto my closed eyes.

There was this fuzzy feeling that was left lingering there.

Something airy and light.

I did not know what it was.

Just that Shizuru did something I did not know.

Silence was our companion that night and I was drifting in and out of sleep, realising that Shizuru was still there beside me. Before I fell back into endless darkness, I had passed her weak smile and wished her happy belated birthday. At that, all she said was,

'As long as you are here to bring me back.'

I did not get that, as usual, but…

I would be and will always.

Even if she did not want to return.

Yet, to where, would she return to, was pressing me.

* * *

It had been quite some time since I had last taken a ride on my bicycle.

I hesitantly picked it up again and cycled to school.

I had enjoyed the breeze and the _click-clack_ sound when I pedalled.

I had…

I had eaten steamed eggs with a bowl of rice and drank piping hot miso soup before I left the house.

And behind me when I took off…

Well, there was no one actually.

Only me with unsaid words.

Only me.

* * *

Shizuru would come by the field from time to time after school had started after spring break into our third year. The girls and boys in the team envied me, since she requested to see me. Then again, when she saw me, and when I saw her. I knew whom she really came for.

Upperclassman.

He had joined the lacrosse team as expected. As predicted.

I thought I had prayed. Well, maybe the phantom that I prayed to just could not put my prayers into action. Nonetheless, I accepted it. What more could I do? I am a girl and he a boy. I am a friend; he is the boyfriend. Sometimes, I wished that the world could be fair for just a fraction and maybe things would be smoothed in a more acceptable way.

Then again, the world was always unfair.

Like how the four seasons are.

So unfair to each other in so many different ways.

Accepting it just makes things easier.

I think it does.

Conflicted.

Upperclassman knows that when I approach him after being called away to the fence, he knows that it is his turn and I accepted it. He is not cocky, that I appreciate. He is not arrogant, that I respect. However, he is ignorant, and I dislike that. He thanks me when I walk by him to the field and I know he sees through the indignant face I put up for him, but he does not seem to care, he does not ask. He only tends to ask me one specific question,

'How is Shizuru?'

How can I answer when all I do is walk up to the fence, give a small smile, share pleasantries, a nod and turn the next moment when I reach there. It is like taking a stroll to a dead end, to only reach the dead end and turn around to retrace my steps. All in all, when he asks that, I would just give something noncommittal and walk away from him as he walks closer to her. She had never once stopped to look at me when I practiced, neither did I to her. At least we still waited for each other after practice. It was still the same routine, just that when I met up with her, I would find myself cycling a pace faster in front of them.

To be polite.

I did not want to be a lamppost that overhears all talk.

An unlit lamp is much better than a lit lamp when not used.

Shizuru came by once again, it was a Thursday; she did not have swimming practice. Upperclassman was not around; he had Student Council activities to help out in. Why was she here, that was what I was wondering about the most when the girls called out to me that Shizuru was at the fence.

I went up to her, but this time I could not just turn away a moment later; that was certainly impolite. I had settled my lacrosse stick to the side to me like always and stood quite a comforting distance from her. I gave a small smile since I did not know what to do and moved my weight around on my legs, hoping that she would be able to take notice that I was not feeling any way near easy having her being here without a reason.

However, she just simply looked at me. Was this what she did with him?

I did not really think so.

I stood there in front of her for quite some time that I realised we did not utter a single word during the break I had took. I heard my coach's whistle from the field and when I gave her one more smile saying that I had to leave to get back to practice. Shizuru pressed herself closer to her fence and she passed me that rare smile that I use to get summers ago. It looked as if it was forced, but underneath, I knew it at least meant something.

She said something normal for the first time then,

'You should return.'

I think I will.

I waved my hand at her and took off feeling more than fine.

* * *

I was not in the same class as Shizuru in third year, and she was no longer the company I had during lunch. Did I need her company? I had more or less made my own company, among the clouds on the roof.

The roof access was given to all, but I did not know why no one wanted to go up there. It was refreshing; it certainly was worth a lunch with a seventy-yen pork floss bun in hand. I had left my classroom after noticing after a few days into the new school term that Shizuru was not going to come in looking for me, neither was she in her class waiting for me.

The sparrows were part of my company on the roof too.

Then along came a spider.

A freshman, first year student, Yuuki Nao.

A lovely girl, sort of.

Then came the dragon.

A third year, like me, in class 3-E, Tokiha Mai.

I had quite a company.

The dragon was as vibrant as ever, I had thought of her of more like a phoenix. Her spirit never wavered and she breathed a sort of fire that warmed the heart even at the weirdest and awkwardness of times. The spider was lethal but she had her good side, like a little spoilt sister that whined to me every time she had the chance.

Unusual company.

Yet, I think it was worth the change.

I had asked them why they came up to the roof to eat with me than in the classrooms or the canteen. The dragon and the spider had looked at each other and then glanced at me and each of them gave me their answers in their own unique way, but they had both meant the same thing. Mai had leaned back onto her hands and looked up into the white clouds that drew the sky, while Nao blew into her empty orange juice carton,

'Having lunch with some company makes the food taste a little bit sweeter.'

Really?

Oh.

I had thought I had heard the same thing Shizuru had said to me.

Was it?

I think it was.

There was no difference was there?

No difference.

Somehow I felt happy; even if it was just for a while and then it hurt the rest of the day.

* * *

Outside our school, there were rows of ginkgo trees.

Their leaves in shape of an umbrella if one held it up to the sun. The corn yellow colour giving off the most childish aura that always made me want to revert to the little girl I was back in Akita. Then again, where was Shizuru when I wanted to do so?

The rainy season had come like always, this time, bringing in more rain than I thought it could give. At least I had remembered to pack my umbrella into my bag or else I would be drenched to the bone if I had not. The day's lacrosse practice was cancelled and Shizuru had long gone back home with him. Mai had accompanied me to the Lawsons near the train station and as I closed my umbrella to put it into the rack outside, Shizuru was standing in front of me, her school sweater soaked at her shoulders and her hair sprinkled with water droplets.

Oh.

Did I just wet her?

Shizuru called out to me quietly as Mai walked in without taking notice that I was not following her in. I had asked Shizuru why she was not back home and she gave me the reason that she had seen Upperclassman off at the station. I motioned her to follow me in, the rain was getting stronger and she would get drenched if she stood out there longer. However, I realised she did not budge. She just stood there and turned to look at me walking through the entrance of Lawsons.

Mai had called out to me and came walking out of the isle holding a pack of chips. Mai gave Shizuru a hesitant nod of acknowledgment, having met for the first time. Shizuru seemed shock for a moment there and she looked faint and unsteady after. I gestured her to follow me in, but she glanced at me, reached over to take my umbrella and rushed out into the pouring rain.

Mai had exclaimed about something, but I did not catch it.

My umbrella was the colour of corn. The same mellow yellow that was shared with the ginkgo leaves. However, I did not see the yellow open in the distance.

I saw nothing.

I chuckled; Shizuru was not that foolish to go running in the rain.

I knew she was not…with me.

Without me.

Was she?

* * *

Saturdays were now quiet.

There were no more Shibuya Saturdays.

Since it had been a routine for me to go out with Shizuru every fortnight, my body would automatically wake up at the time Shizuru would come barging into me room. However, since there were no more Shibuya Shopping Saturdays with Shizuru, I would find myself on my bicycle, cycling around the neighbourhood, just to ease the boredom before coming back for lunch.

With another presence in her life, Shizuru unusually kept her windows closed most of the time and drew her curtains shut whenever night came. She had air conditioning, so I guessed as much that she slept with the air conditioning on. My room did not have one so I kept my windows open, unlocked, and drew the curtains close only when I hit bed.

It rained heavily one night and I was woken up in the middle of the night, just to close my windows. However, what surprised me was that Shizuru was closing the windows for me. She was in my room; her hair partially wet by what I could guess was the rain. She was dressed in casual shopping wear and I realised that she had just come back from shopping. Something was weird.

Why was she in my room if she just came back from shopping?

She indeed had come back from shopping. The shopping plastic bags were on my tabletop and her coat around my chair.

I had wanted to question her about how and why she was in my room at such an hour but she had shot at me faster than I expected. It had been long since I last heard her complain about how cluttered my room was. She chuckled about almost falling over my books that I had piled near my table. I managed to snap out of my confused state and reached quickly for my towel and told her she had better dry herself. She had stopped all actions and took my towel quietly.

I watched her in the dark and she sat next to me on my bed drying her hair. The questions could come later, another day perhaps. The pitter-patter of the rain became our companion that night and I decided I would not get any sleep if this awkward tension continued. I had pointed over to her bags on my table and in the next moment, she reached over for one.

All, actually.

She pulled out a dark gunpowder jacket and held it in front of me. I realised then how the shoulders fitted onto me. She had pushed it into my hands and surprisingly pulled out a few more clothes, each of them being thrown to me.

Are they for me?

I had asked.

A firm shake followed a steady nod and then she changed the topic completely before I got the chance to clarify.

She caught onto my tiredness and asked if she could spend the night here. I guessed as much, since it was raining heavily and would be dangerous to get in into her room. She could go through the front door, but I knew she did not want to get caught for coming back so late. I wondered if Upperclassman had sent her back if she came back so late. Then again, how did she get here in the first place?

Odd.

The question slipped my mind as I let Shizuru have the bed like before and I took the floor. She had changed into a sleepwear of mine and slipped underneath the covers faster than I prepared the bedspread on the floor for myself. As I wished her a good night, she gave no response and the sound of the rain engulfed us once more.

I guessed as much that she had fallen asleep right away and when I was falling off into my own slumber, I thought I had heard her apologise.

On the phone, maybe? I saw her phone with her as she hit bed, dialling an unseen number.

It was him, most likely.

I rolled quietly to the side and pulled the spare blanket to my nose and I heard her soft voice continue,

'Will you stay with me?'

I will.

I turned slightly and glanced over my shoulder. I turned back.

Saturday was quiet.

Very quiet.

* * *

Shizuru once told me summer was all about love.

It came from everything, even from the biggest form to the smallest.

From the biggest form of Upperclassmen Neturo Ren.

To the smallest scent of sex she breathed in.

* * *

_Countless times._

_I screamed._

_Countless times._

_I screamed her name._

* * *

**A/N**: The story does not really take form until chapter three. It is a drag, but hold on!


	2. Ill-Humoured Girl

**A/N**: I've broken Chapter Two into two parts. As lengthy as I want it to get, I don't want the readers to get bored halfway through. Thank you for the reviews! I hope I've managed to answer the questions for all those that asked. For the numerous guest that dropped in, thank you! And for those that did not like the opening sequence of Shizuru and Ren, thank you for being brave! This picks up after the incident of the biggest to the smallest. For Subway-Cub.

Enjoy!

* * *

'Natsuki!'

I jerked out from my daze and looked around for whom had called my name, to find Mai standing at the door of my classroom, motioning me to get out of my seat. Reluctantly I left my desk and went up to her, leaning quite tiredly against the doorframe. The corridor was awkwardly noisy today during lunch period and I found it quite annoying.

Two boys walked by us laughing and I glanced at them before giving my full attention to the dragon before me. I cocked my head to the side to gesture her to start.

'We were wondering where you were.'

'I'm not hungry.'

I replied quite dumbly and rubbed my stomach to show that it was indeed true. Mai gave me a disbelieving look and gave out a huff of breath,

'That is very unlike you.'

I raised my hands up in defeat; I was not really in the mood to argue with her. I looked over her shoulder and found the spider walking down the corridor, looking a little bit lost at where she was. It was indeed rare to find a freshman on the senior level. Mai caught where I was looking to and waved to Nao, signalling her over. She looked at us in relief and jogged up to us.

She glared at me the instant she reached Mai and stung like usual, as a nasty spider would be,

'Where in the world were you?'

'In class.'

I stated the obvious and Nao retreated back to glaring at me, the little tiny spider indeed. Mai forced a meek smile at me,

'Lunch break is almost over, are you sure you don't want to grab a bite from the canteen?'

'No.'

I think I had said that quite harshly and quickly. Mai had jerked back and gave me a strange look. Nao on the other hand stepped back a little out of our conversation bubble and passed me a once in a lifetime-concerned expression. I gave out a sigh and scratched the back of my head; I found it very hard to explain the situation I was in. My stomach was really not in anyway hungry.

'Don't worry Mai. You have culinary club after school, don't you?'

She nodded, unsure where I was heading too.

'I will stop by after cleaning duty.'

Mai gave me a small _oh_ and clapped her hands together. I looked at Nao and she stuck her tongue out at me for no particular reason and ran off down the corridor. Mai, before me, gave out another sigh and checked her wrist watch,

'I will see you after school then.'

Lunch period was almost over, it seemed. Mai waved to me before turning to head down the corridor to her classroom. I lazily popped my head out to watch her go, languidly waving my hand back at her retreating form. I gave out another sigh as I turned around. Trudging back, I was ready to slump into my seat but my ears heard my classmate's voice calling out to me. I turned at her call and I looked to find Shizuru standing at the back door of the classroom, a few girls standing around to look at her.

I grunted.

'Fujino-_san_ is asking for you'

I took my time to the door once again and her dark eyes held onto mine briefly before averting down to the object that was held within her grasp. I gave out a heavy breath and shooed the girls that were crowding around me. Scratching my chin, I shifted my weight like I always did at the fence during lacrosse practice,

'Hey… Did something happen?'

I looked at her confused and waited for an answer. However, her reply came a second later than I had expected,

'Na… No. Not really.'

'Uh… Okay.' I carelessly stumbled, 'Break is going to end soon so it's best that you head back, Nobue-_sensei_ is a pain when he arrives before the bell even rings.'

I waved my hand in an easy motion and moved to step back. However before I could, her hand grabbed fast onto mine and I looked back at her action and then at her. I eased out another quick breath,

'There is something you need.'

Her eyes levelled with mine and I ushered us out into the corridor. My classmates behind me were starting to get on my nerves. I walked a couple of steps down the noisy corridor and she followed me quietly through the students that mingled outside. I leaned against the window after finding a less noisy spot; tired I was, and I caught sight onto the item in her hand, realising it was a meat bun that had been bought from the canteen. She caught my gaze and finally spoke after much silence,

'I've heard you have not eaten.'

I wondered where in the world she could have heard that from.

'In a way, but I'm not hungry.'

She looked defeated all of a sudden, yet her smile was still there on her face, her eyes faltered though; the gleam that was there seconds ago just disappeared.

'Here, I bought this for you. You can save it for later.'

She passed it to me and forced out another smile. She looked guilty for some reason. There was nothing to be guilty was there not? I raised my eye brows at her and took the plastic wrapped bun into my palm,

'That's thoughtful of you. Thanks.' I shot a grin at her, 'You better get going. I'll catch you after school?'

Shizuru just looked at me blankly and I nodded, stepping pass her to walk back to my classroom, a free meat bun in hand. Her voice caught me once again above the humdrum of the corridor and I turned around to look back over my shoulder.

'I have swimming practice today.' I nodded at her statement and she continued as if forced to do so,

'Will you be waiting for me?'

I brought my hands to the back of my head and raised my brows. Will I wait? I always do. Then again, what was the point of waiting when I end up still being the lamppost that hangs over beside her and her boyfriend? I settled my eyes on her,

'Sure… I'll catch you later?'

Her lips trembled and I saw her shoulder tense up. I waited for her reply, watching as if she was going through contemplation. What was there to be contemplated? It was just a yes or a no. No one was going to get hurt, was there? Shizuru seemed lost and she jolted back when the lunch bell rang above us. She glanced at me in worry and I raised my eyebrows back. No answer?

'Shizuru?'

She just stood there speechless; students either running or walking pass her. I smiled over my shoulder as I walked back to class.

Silence is consent.

However now, I find it difficult to take that as an answer.

* * *

I stared at my vibrating, noisy mobile phone.

I should really change my ring tone.

It was sure a new number, a number I have not seen and I was a little hesitant to pick it up. I gave it long look and placed it back onto the floor.

'Are you going to answer that?'

My mother looked at me from the kitchen table and I looked over my shoulder back at her. Her laptop blocked half of her face, but I could easily tell that the incessant ringing of my mobile phone annoyed her. I looked back at the flashing screen of my flip phone and then it everything stopped abruptly.

'No. I'm not.'

My mother gave out a huge sigh and I protested,

'I didn't recognise the number.'

She gave me a few nods of acknowledgement and her eyes shifted back to her computer screen. I crossed my legs once again and flipped to the next page of the papers, realising that I did not even read the article I wanted to read on the previous page. I flipped back after scanning quickly and my phone started to ring again.

I left it alone, ringing.

'_Naa-chan_, if you are not going to answer. At least cancel it.'

I looked back to find my mother looking at me, waiting for me to do the expected. I gave out a groan and reached over to turn it off. I turned back to the paper and found that I had completely forgotten what I had wanted to read. I gave out another loud groan and folded the paper, finding that if I sat here on the floor for another minute, I would not even know why I had even wanted to read the papers.

As I moved up the stairs to my room, after being told by my mother that I had to set the table soon, my phone started to ring once again.

The same number.

The same flashing number.

Who in world was this persistent?

Mai? I already had her number taken own.

Nao? No, she would not even want to call me.

Shizuru? We never resorted to use the phone…

I held it away from me and threw my phone onto my bed after closing my room door behind me. I pulled over to my desk and realised Shizuru had drawn her curtains open; it had been a while since I last saw her room from where I stood. My phone was still ringing behind me and I was really starting to get annoyed by it. It rung and it ended, and then it rung and it ended again. I decided to pick it up after the seventh time and when I placed it to my ear to give the caller a good warning that he or she better not call this number, I saw Shizuru in her room, her phone pressed to her ear.

Shizuru?

The chances were slim.

Then again, what?

I flipped my phone shut, ending the call and I glanced back over to Shizuru, to find her pulling her phone away from her ear. A calm, but yet disappointed look on her face.

It was her…

She changed her number?

I moved over to slide my window further open and I threw an eraser at her window. The sound was loud enough for me to hear, but I realised she had her phone at her ear again, calling someone. At that, my phone rung again and I looked at her across our little division. I just sacrificed an eraser… I went back to my phone and stood by my window. Flipping it open to answer it, I saw Shizuru's face brighten, ever so slightly.

It was her alright.

I breathed out into my phone, long and heavy,

'When did you…? Oh, Never mind.'

'Na…Excuse me?'

I gave a snort into the phone and quickly continued where I left off,

'You could have just sent a mail to tell me about the change.' I breathed in uneasily,

'I have to go, talk later.'

And I ended the call with a smooth click.

I watched Shizuru turn to glance at my window and her eyes widened at the sight of me standing there. I had to set the table. I forced a smile, waved my phone at her and turned around, walking out of my room, throwing my phone onto my bed.

We could have called so long ago.

I think I just remembered how long ago it really was.

* * *

'I want that one.'

I gave Mai a disbelieving look and snorted,

'You can pay and get that by yourself.'

She looked at me in disbelief this time,

'What? You said that you would get me anything!'

'I did not say that.'

'Yes you did.'

I snapped around at Nao and at that moment she averted her gaze to her fingernails. I growled at her and Mai started once again, pointing towards the little green round man behind the hard plastic, snugly fitted between crowds of other cute little toys. I blew at my fringe and dug into my pocket for my wallet, catching onto Mai's claps of happiness that I gave in without a fight. I was surprised too, but I found that I was starting to get more and more tired easily.

'I am telling you this _Mai-tai_, if I do not get it in one try, do not expect me to put in another five hundred.'

Mai looked at me with wide eyes and she hit me hard,

'You said anything despite anything.'

'Eh! When did I say that!?'

'Over a cheese burger.'

I turned around and glared at Nao that had once again averted her gaze to her fingernails after she had said that. With these two beside me, I did not know when would be the end of all this whining. Then again, it gave me a space to breathe, that something like this was certainly enjoyable, even if it was just for a while. I inserted my hundred yen coins into the slot and the machine whirled to life.

'I want that one, Natsuki. Do not come and give me the excuse that I did not tell you which one I wanted.'

I gave out groan and noticed that Nao had come in closer to look at what I going to do. I had never really played this since I had stopped going out on Saturdays with Shizuru to Shibuya. I think it was the only time then I had played such things, when Shizuru had whined to me too, that she wanted something from inside one of these machines.

'What am I suppose to do again?'

I lied.

'Do not give me that!'

Mai hit me lightly on the arm and I chuckled, moving the joystick quickly before the red numbers that flashed in the panel ran to zero. Nao seemed interested and Mai seemed happier than ever as the metallic hand, which I had positioned, reached downwards among the packed soft toys. I smiled at the both of them and looked back at the hard plastic of the toy machine. I saw a faint reflection of my face and I looked away after I heard Mai's soft groan and Nao's snickering.

'Natsuki!'

I thought it would be alright if I revelled in this small amount of short-lived happiness.

Even though if it was only for a while.

I thought it was worth it, than nothing at all.

'Do you have another hundred, Nao?'

'Are you trying to squeeze something out of me?'

At least I could try to smile like I once did.

* * *

'You're not drinking coffee?'

I brought my eyes over to Shizuru and she held her unopened can of cold tea in between her hands. I threw my bag down on the ground and settled tiredly into the seat next to her. I shook the small can of lemon Calpis in my hand, popped the tab and brought it to my lips, speaking soundly before taking a swig at it,

'It makes me moody.'

There was a short silence,

'Really?'

I nodded at her question and looked at the entrance of the train station not too far away under the shade and cool. Summer was coming and the heat was already boiling and I noticed that I was perspiring like I would in the public bath. Shizuru looked like herself, like always; I still wondered how she could keep cool in such a burning temperature. Maybe it was because I had my lacrosse jersey under my uniform; an extra layer always traps the heat.

I sighed at that and looked at the people that got off the escalator, taking another down at my drink, finishing it. I noticed that Shizuru did not touch her can of cold tea the moment I handed it over to her, after returning from the toilet. It was not as if I bought it from the toilet! Her gaze caught mine and she looked uneasily at me. I passed her a smile and got up from beside her. My ears heard a sharp breath from behind me and I turned around to find Shizuru getting up after me.

I gave her an odd look and she looked at me, worriedly.

'I am not going anywhere.' I shook my empty can at her, 'I am just going to throw the can away.'

She kept quiet and I took a step away from her, moving over to the rubbish bins not too far away. I turned back to return to find Shizuru still standing in front of the seats and looking at me. My lips pressed together in a thin line; why did she need to get so agitated about? There nothing to be, was there not? I moved in front of Shizuru and she hesitantly sat back down, waiting for me to do the same.

I did.

Eventually.

After Upperclassman came by.

* * *

'Kuga.'

I lifted my head up and I was not really surprised to find brown eyes looking at me. Well, it had already been months of seeing those brown eyes. I think it was normal for me to see it every morning. However, it was not really something I would like to be greeted by every morning. I nodded my head back up him and wheeled my bicycle out onto the road.

'Lacrosse practice is cancelled today, no?'

I stopped at the push off and turned to look at him. He gestured to my lacrosse stick that I had slung around my body in its cloth case Mai had given for me this year as an early birthday present. I passed him a confused look but stopped myself from saying anything as Shizuru walked out of her house. Her eyes drifted over to me briefly and kept them trained on my bicycle as she walked over to him, who was now standing beside me.

She was surprised for some reason. Was there anything surprising? It was just my bicycle and I, not to forget, Upperclassman.

'Good morning Natsuki.'

She sounded constrained and I gave out something noncommittal in return before turning back to him,

'Apparently, I wasn't notified that it was going to be cancelled.'

'Ah really-?'

I waved my hand at him to cut him off.

At that, I pushed off and gave my usual pace a double take, sending myself speeding down the morning road and to school a little too early to my comfort.

I decided that it is better to stay safe in shallow waters, than to test deep water.

I did not want to be involved in anything.

I did not want to drown.

Not yet.

* * *

'You were being irrational.'

The hot water around my body rippled slightly and I slid further down, watching the water reach my chin. She kept quiet before of me and I ended up looking at her smooth back through the time we spent in the public bath, soaking in the hot water that was provided. Silence was tense between us and the only sound I realised I was taking in were the sprays of water from the showerheads, the _clock_ of the buckets and the small chatter from the women and children around us.

Time was short in the bath and I found myself drinking a bottle of cold milk while waiting for Shizuru to come out. I was already turning a little red even though I had only stayed in the hot water for a short time. I got out once I noticed I was feeling light in the head and got out silently like I got in. Shizuru simply watched me as I exited the shower area and into the changing space. She did not say anything after much had been said back before in the lacrosse room.

She could have just said that she wanted me to come along with her here.

It seemed that she just did not want to, speaking in riddles like she always did. Until the point I was tad annoyed by it, simply because I could not understand why she was so eager to leave when I had not even taken a shower after a tiring and sweaty lacrosse practice -having been diving into the sand and dirt was not in anyway clean.

It was the same yet somehow it was different; unlike the Shizuru I knew.

'Kuga-_san_! Good evening!'

She was bold yet reserved.

I turned around to find the old man that tended to public house waving at me from his seat near the fridge. Old Ji was what Shizuru called him when we came together, sometimes, after the hot summer classes we had to take before summer break. We usually came more often during summer break and the winter period. Then again, I had not been in here for such a long time.

'I haven't seen you for a while.'

I gave him a small bow and I moved across the small entrance area to the two public bathing areas, settling myself to lean against the wooden frame of the cashing counter.

'I was wondering where you went to.'

I gave him a chuckle and he smiled,

'Fujino-_san_ comes alone from time to time; and I realised that she has always been coming alone.'

I placed my empty milk bottle onto the counter top and I was cut short faster than I wanted to be,

'I had thought something happened to you.'

He turned to look at me and his wrinkles on his forehead crinkled when he raised his grey brows at me. I scratched my chin and gave out a forced grin,

'Well, I have been rather busy…'

'Ah.' He smoothed his grey beard he had grown over the years. 'I had thought the both of you had gotten into a fight with each other or something. Girls.'

I looked at him as he resumed spreading this morning's paper in front of him, chuckling. I pursed my lips and speak of the devil; Shizuru stepped out from behind the overhanging curtains of the ladies entrance as I looked up. Her eyes sought mine out in a click and she made her way to me. I glanced at Old Ji briefly and tightened my jaw.

A fight?

No.

Never.

* * *

'How about Hakone?'

I looked over to Mai that flipped at the pages before her and looked back.

'We could go to the hot springs. Or…'

Mai paused, albeit in a weird fashion, and lowered her voice much to suit our amusement,

'See great Mount Fuji'

Nao snorted, as I expected, taking another suck at her teeth-bitten red straw of her orange juice carton. She rolled her eyes before popping in another sip. I simply closed my eyes to Mai's soft sigh and heard her flip through another few pages and then it went silent for a moment. A moment I found slightly too uncomfortable that I gave out a fake yawn.

It was not purposefully fake; I was tired.

However, it seemed that I could not bring out a real proper one.

Nao's biting design on her straw continued slowly as Mai went quiet for some time.

'Or maybe Ueno zoo?'

'It's not Spring.'

At that, I hooked my legs together and leaned back on my elbow, throwing a glance at Nao snickering, who looked over at Mai that had buried her face into her hands, seemingly looking quite exhausted. I yawned, a real one, again, taking notice how the sky had cleared up a little bit compared to the day before. The clouds were light, but I could tell that it was soon going to get dense.

Sooner or later, it will. Summer was here. Summer break was coming.

The sound of Mai flipping through the pages continued under the sun and I fumbled back onto my back; the days were getting longer somewhat and lunch period felt as if I was already on holiday. Holidays were more or less filled with lacrosse practice…

Ah.

I had forgotten to bring my guards along with me when I left Mai's house this morning. This morning…

'How about we just go on trip to Kyoto?'

Kyoto. I pushed my head back to look at Mai under my heavy fringe and Nao kicked my shin, pulling back quickly before answering flatly,

'I have summer classes.'

I wanted to growl, but Mai cut in earlier than expected,

'You could have told me that earlier.'

I looked back down at my feet, giving up on the growl that I knew I was only going to make myself much more tired; Nao kept surprisingly quiet. Letting a breath loose, my eyes settled onto the railing and its criss-cross diamond patterns it was made after; it was getting quiet again. Yawning another out, Mai called out to me, the sound of her hands flipping through the pages starting once again,

'Natsuki, does Kyoto sound good to you?'

I gave out something noncommittal and pushed myself up, shrugging my shoulders as I sluggishly got up onto my feet. My head spun slightly and I chucked my fried rice cake wrapper aside, taking heavy steps to the railing. Nao's slurping continued soon after, her carton going dry. On the other hand, Mai simply let out a groan of discontent and closed the book.

I think they have finally gotten use to my sporadic aloofness.

It was somewhat amusing.

Shifting my weight as I leaned over the railing to look down at the dirt yellow courtyard, a gush of air hit my face and it shook me, quite a bit. It took me a second later to refocus, to find the boys playing ball while the girls were in another corner sporting a friendly game of light volleyball.

Tiny groups scattered like leftovers.

'Natsuki, you have to say something.'

I eyed Mai from over my shoulder and let out an inaudible agreement, propping my head up with my arm before averting back. Nao apparently took over my voice for me, courtesy of my silence; I had not asked for her to do so, but she had seemingly done so as easily and simply as she wanted,

'Just go, it's not going to kill her.'

I turned back sharply and Nao somehow instantly raised her hands up and pushed herself away from me. I growled at her as Mai settled back on talking to me after going through what her lunch was made of -seemingly appetising looking egg rolls- and raised her eyes brows at me. My voice sounded choked and I coughed,

'Was I suppose to say something?'

'Were you even listening?'

Mai gave out a breath and Nao's voice backing her up made me smile, just a little, and I turned back, reluctant to continue the conversation. My silence had Mai struck up something with Nao over her food and my ears, as it has been for so long, tuned out of everything easily. The breeze was light on my forehead and I noticed how heavy I was starting to feel.

It was not that I was over eating.

My hands just felt heavier than it was.

My body acting a lot more sluggish.

What was happening to me, I was not really too sure. I was sure the lack of sleep was a one reason, but something else was tugging me down. It was not something easy to describe. Nonetheless I knew for sure, I was not feeling anywhere near the radius of the word good could define.

Laughter sounded out behind me and my reverie cracked as Nao's echoing crush of her orange juice carton, apparently, amplified the noise. Another breeze came along not long after, and I found my mind drifting back off. Nao then took, somehow or another, the opportunity to hit me again.

'You have been dozing off lately.'

I murmured something under my breath, I too was not so sure what I had said -most likely a curse-, as she came up beside me.

'Your eye bags,' Nao drew with her fingers under her eyes, taking me much like an idiot, 'are apparently growing larger.'

She exaggerates. I furrowed my brows,

'I pulled off an all nighter.'

My eyes met with Mai and she looked guiltily at me,

'Sorry, I really needed help to complete that assignment.'

I yawned at her in return and then back one at Nao that kicked me again when she had the chance. I crossed my feet and soon watched both of them yawn.

Yawning was contagious; at times, I found that quite pleasing.

Mai soon joined us by the railing, hanging her arms over, and like a little girl, started to vaguely point out the students she knew in school. All those below us were unaware of our eyes and I found it entertaining, in a way, to watch people unnoticed. Nao having opened her second carton of orange juice, took a long sip before she rose a finger to a lone figure that sat by the trees near the school fence, reading.

'Who's he?'

I narrowed my eyes as I looked over, like Mai had done and pursed my lips together. Not a sight I would like to see, but it was not like I was forced to see; Nao was not to blame. Mai's voice came out beside me and she chuckled, sounding quite amused,

'Natsuki, it's rare to see him outside during lunch?'

Awkwardly, I felt excited by her question,

'You know him?'

Nao managed to squeeze between Mai and I and she started to whine above us. Above that, Mai simply shrugged and smiled.

Her silence disturbed me somewhat and I turned back to look at him once Mai had settled the spider down. His face was partly covered by the leaves, but his body was a dead give away; something that I just could not forget so easily. A hand reached over to me and Nao's grip shocked me somewhat,

'She has been looking at you.' I followed her gaze, 'I have been noticing recently.'

Mai followed suit and I kept quiet when my eyes moved above the active school body. With that, surprisingly after all this while, I met gently with Shizuru; I had not noticed her standing a little away from him. Her dark soft gaze settled briefly onto mine and I tightened my jaw almost too quickly that the two beside me took notice; her eyes shifted down and I pulled back.

'You must be seeing things, Nao.'

She has been looking.

I folded my arms and took a step back noticing that my tone must have silenced Nao as she kept quiet and pushed her body against the rail, straining her neck over; Mai simply gave out a hum as she continued to observe. I averted my eyes to another spot, what was I to be afraid of? There was nothing to be afraid. I was not afraid; then what was this heavy tugging?

It was just Shizuru.

And Upperclassmen.

Laughter from Mai sounded out when Nao had said something about me; I had not wanted to care, but I did. Nao took the opportunity to kick my shin again before I could step back to ask. I glared at her as she hopped back quickly, biting her red straw. A hand came onto my tense shoulder, relaxing me briefly. Mai smiled again, this time a brighter one than the one she had given when I had asked about Upperclassman,

'She has been looking at you.'

I bit my lip.

'She has been looking at us.' I looked over the rail, 'Not me.'

The leaves now covered Shizuru's face, but I could feel it, softly. Why did I not feel it before?

I took Mai's hand off my shoulder and waved her away, sending another glare at the approaching spider, who was smart enough to back off. That reminder should be more than enough.

Enough that I turned to look back at the railing and in the distance I felt her light gaze without much trouble. This time much softer than the first, I eased out a soft breath for the wind to carry, before walking away towards Mai that had once again started flipping at her pages and Nao that was trying, for the umpteenth time, to kick my shin.

I dropped onto the ground with ease and pulled back down onto my back, my reluctant eyes looking at the stale clouds above. They were starting to get dense, as I had predicted.

Soon my eyes closed shut to non-sequiturs and flipping pages. Sound muted into comforting calm silence and everything soon blurred out with the breeze. A light caress feathered my forehead, feeling exactly like she would use to do, and I found myself crying. Silently.

Shizuru.

For a long time… Has she always been looking at me?

It seemingly cannot be as this would not be happening.

* * *

I looked at her for a second or two before reaching down to take out the can of apple cider. I was not really expecting her to be here, since no one really knew that there was a vending machine here. Pulling up, I shook my can once,

'Want some?'

She looked down at my outstretched hand and looked back at me without much difficulty. It was different from before… She was getting much bolder; not that she was not already so bold. I pulled my hand back and popped the tab open, the sound of the gas spilling out was our company for a short moment before her voice filled up this, unusually, quiet corridor. The cicadas were not singing.

'You had your hair cut.'

I took a sip; the refreshing somewhat bitter taste lingered in my mouth, cooling the summer heat away. Her eyes met mine in the same soft click and I clenched my jaw on reflex; it has not always been like this, but recently, it has.

Tempting.

I took a step away from her, brushing my free hand through my short locks. My hair looked much like my class representative, Toguchi_-san_, nevertheless I liked it.

In this boiling disastrous summer heat, I realised my straight long hair was making me furious.

'Mai told me that I should try something different.'

'Tokiha_-han_?'

Her eyes widened slightly, before softening, averting her gaze to the ground. I dropped my hand after scratching my chin, not really sure where I should be taking this. The more time I spent talking to her now, the easier I became easily agitated, and the more tense I got. It was different from before. However, her soft gaze was holding me back from doing all those.

It was, one way or another.

It was keeping me sane.

'Has anything special been happening lately?'

I stepped pass her, holding a step back.

'No. Not really.'

Her answer came a second later than expected; maybe I have been thinking too much.

I shrugged my shoulders and pushed off. However, I, somehow, stopped midway to turn back to find her walking towards the vending machine. She stopped her actions, apparently noticed that I had stopped in the middle of the orange-lit corridor, looking quite dazed at her. I drew my mouth into a line as she turned back, her soft gaze leaving as it easily sought mine out.

My fingers started to tremble against my can and my eyes traced out her movement; to her sliding in the coins, to punching the tab and reaching down to retrieve the can. She met gently with me,

'I haven't seen you,' She paused, 'recently.'

I raised my head, jerking, slightly surprised that she would be saying something. Her last word caught me off guard and I turned back to continue down the corridor,

'You see me everyday,' I looked at her over my shoulder, walking behind me, matching my steps rhythmically, 'You are my neighbour.'

The sound of my footsteps became softer and I stopped as she had,

'I didn't see you yesterday.'

Her footsteps started again and she walked pass me soon after,

'Nor the week before, nor the day after.'

She looked at me like what I had done to her, and I noticed her hair had grown longer, her face much leaner. My fingers were trembling and I had wanted to say something, but inadvertently, my voice failed me. The can in her hand was still unopened and I figured as much that it was for…

'It's for you.'

I thought wrong. It was pushed into my free hand; a warm can despite the summer heat. The black tea flavour that she had once told me that she secretly liked, but did not have the guts to punch it out; a silly reason that she would be betraying her love for green tea. Her eyes clicked with mine under the heat of the summer, the musty smell of the old classrooms making me remember how middle school use to smell like.

'I hope I can see you, Natsuki.'

Her fingers lightly held onto the hem of my sleeve and she passed me a brief smile, one like she use to give me; this time, I realised, was not forced. She let go, a little to soon, and walked away silently like she had come. I followed, watching her move up the flight of steps before disappearing around the corner. The warmth that spread from the can that Shizuru had given to me met with the coldness of the other and I looked at the label of the black tea.

I always see her.

Somewhat, so does she.

Now I just wonder if it is in the same way.

* * *

'Finally!'

I looked at Nao that screamed, ecstatically, behind me and Mai beside me choked back her laughter. I looked side along across the open corridor and took notice of a group of girls that were waving in our direction. My body curled inwardly and I tapped Mai lightly with my lacrosse stick, getting her attention as she pulled back from the vending machine.

I gestured over to the group of girls opposite us and scrunched up my face,

'Are those your culinary cronies calling for you?'

She widened her eyes and hit me hard with her bag,

'Natsuki, why can't you be a little nicer?'

I shrugged my shoulders as the dragon, rolled her eyes at me before heartily waving back. I looked back to find Nao fishing out her coins from her purse and Mai walking over to the group of girls that crossed the crowd of students to us. I gave out a long breath as the noise picked up a notch.

'Natsuki.'

Nao called me a little too softly for my comfort. I raised my brows at her as she approached me with her orange juice carton in hand; she was snickering, as usual. I adjusted my bag on my shoulder and looked down at her,

'Do not even think about it.'

'I haven't even done anything.'

She whined and pulled a face at me, storming off to her classroom. I watched her move down the corridor, soon the other students engulfed her in the noise and chatter. I called over to Mai, gesturing to the flight of stairs before seeing a wave in return as I pushed myself into the crowd. Heaving a breath, I pushed up the flight of stairs, having noticed that a new coat of paint over the walls.

'Natsuki.'

I looked back upon her voice and was surprised that I stopped for her to reach my step before continuing up. Her hand touched my arm lightly before it returned to its original position of holding her bag. I greeted back, grunting under my breath as I missed the last step.

She walked beside me, catching on my strides as I moved down the corridor of the upperclassmen. I stopped by Mai's classroom, taking a peek at the boy inside that she had taken a fancy to, sending him a well-piped glare before heading down to my own.

All the while, she was beside me. Her presence was a little bit uncomfortable, but was this not like it was so long ago? I slid my classroom door open, my classmates have the habit of closing it, and realised that she lightly grazed my arm before passing me a brief smile over the shoulder.

I miss you.

Am I lying to myself?

Lately, I do not know.

* * *

'She is the only one there.' She looked at me, slightly afraid, 'You can't miss her.'

The girl bowed at me before taking off with her friends that passed whispered laughter to each other as I walked away towards the pool. A golden hue stretched across the water and the heavy yellow pale clouds spotted the sky; its reflection somewhat nostalgic. I stood by the side, near the metal ladder and waited for the ripple to wash against my shoes. Shizuru's breath skimmed across the water in bubbles and she surfaced for another breath.

This time, a surprised one.

A hand touched the wall, the other pulling her goggles off and her soft gaze meshed with mine easily; it felt much different. She glided over to me slowly and after a minute or so, I turned to look at the fence that I use to stand on the other side to get a look into the pool. My position there was haunting, but I shook out of it. It felt as if returning to that spot will only make me feel heavier, so I opted on going to the pool to look for Shizuru myself.

A splash averted my eyes back before me to find that she had dropped her head into the water, pulled her cap in the process and resurfaced to rest her arms on the side. The water rushed into the pool drain beside and that became our music company for the time being. Her cheeks were rosy from her swim, and she seemed much more beautiful than she already was. A small smile tugged at my lips; after so long.

'You never come to wait by the pool.'

It sounded like it was meant to be a question and she slipped it out so differently and reassuringly. Shizuru played with the water at her fingers, her eyes looking into the distance behind my feet. I folded my arms,

'Well, I am here now.'

She chuckled behind a raised hand. A period of silence came over us, the water lapping at the sides was the only distraction I could put my mind own. As I adjusted my lacrosse stick on my back, Shizuru leaned up to me, her hair pooling at her shoulder. Reaching up, she tugged lightly onto my shorts that I wore underneath during practice,

'Join me.'

'What?'

Somehow, one way or another, before I could formulate what she wanted to put on me, Shizuru had managed to pull herself up from the pool, take me by my waist and fake a fall to send me underwater. I resurfaced, gasping for breath, immediately, instinctively, throwing my school bag and lacrosse stick out of the pool. I growled loudly and kicked myself up onto the side only to find my strength meeting equal resistance.

Or was I just allowing her?

I shot a glare over my soaked uniform and Shizuru simply shrugged, smirking at my absolute drenched form. Her hand moved to graze my arm lightly and her soft gaze met mine once again. I caught onto the movement of her lips and pursed my very own; now I did not feel as heavy, did I? Her silent words rippled across the water and I soon found my arms losing strength. Immediately after that, my vision was filled with warm blue and I closed my eyes to the sound of her smooth movements. Her fingers touched my arm again and I found a calm darkness engulfing me, drowning my mind.

I am drowning.

I should not be drowning.

Not yet. Not now. Assuming that I am the only one suffering.

* * *

Someone called my name.

I looked over my book and found Mai waving weakly from the door of my classroom. I left my desk, bringing my book along with me and settling against the doorframe as a few girls walked pass, talking about an upcoming concert happening in Yokohama. Bringing my attention to the dragon before me, I noticed that she was not her normal self, her movement were much more quicker and sharp. She was nervous, but about what.

I dropped out an unheard sigh and pulled her out into the corridor. Nao was nowhere to be seen beside her, so I guessed as much that this was personal. I looked at the page number of my book and closed it shut as Mai started to play with her fingers. I gave her a long look before she took both of her hands and grabbed my wrist tightly. I winced, noticeably, and took in a quick breath.

This was surprising.

Mai's eyes were starting to creep me out and I forced out a grin,

'What's wrong?' I gently tugged my wrists out of her tight grip, 'Is that Tate dude picking on you again? You do know he's only doing that to get your attention, right?'

I failed on trying to get out of her death grip, but at least I was able to get something out of her,

'I'm pregnant.'

Oh.

My eyes widened and I dropped my book.

The students around the both of us jumped at my voice and Mai at that moment let go of my wrist and pulled away in shock. I grinded my teeth together and hissed, however before I could pull Mai back, Nao jumped out from god knew where and kicked my shin. I fumbled onto the ground and hit my head against the wall noticing that Mai had pulled down beside me, her face tight with laughter and soon enough, Nao's distinct laughter filled my ears.

I growled loudly and pushed myself up, only to hit my head another time on the sill and double back down onto my knees. Whispers of wonder were starting to fill the corridor and Nao by then had –finally- started to clear the students that had gathered with her restrained laughter.

Mai's hand rested on my shoulder and I glared up at her mildly concerned face,

'Sorry, Natsuki.'

I looked at her body and I was sure she knew what I was going to ask next; she placed a hand on her stomach, 'Rest assured. I'm not pregnant.'

Moving a bit back to look at Nao, still laughing, Mai dusted my back,

'I had to do it; lost a bet. She just wanted to see how you would react.'

'Thanks for the shock, actress.' I huffed, 'Don't ever do that again.'

She gave me a pat on the back and another sincere apology as I cleared my throat and picked up my book, rubbing my head as I pushed myself up from the ground. Mai moved away from me, knowing that pulling a stunt like that on me had its consequences. I moved towards an unaware Nao, growling, but as I moved forward, something struck me.

I stopped still and looked pass Mai.

What about Shizuru?

How many times has it replayed in my mind?

* * *

'Upperclassman.'

I grimaced,

'Neturo_-san_.'

He turned his head.

'Yes?'

I looked at him.

'Kuga_-kun_?'

I looked at him and then at his body.

'I'm sorry. I'm in a bit of bind at the moment, is it urgent?'

I looked at him, then at his hands and then back again,

'Have you been to Akita?'

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow,

'No.'

I looked at his face,

'It's a nice place.'

He frowned slightly,

'I really do have something important to do. We can chat later during training.'

I forced out a meek smile,

'How about Kyoto?'

He turned around fully,

'No.'

'Then could you help me ask your girlfriend whether she would like to come along?'

He paused, much to my surprise, before answering,

'Shizuru? To Kyoto?'

I raised my brows,

'Yes, her and that.'

His eyes narrowed, slightly,

'Why are you asking me to ask her?'

I opened my mouth, but he was faster than I had thought,

'You can ask her yourself, you know?' He looked as me,

'You are her friend.'

I had to force out a laugh; but the term used was certainly quite amusing,

'And you are her boyfriend.'

He took a step back and looked somewhat baffled. However, his face merely returned to its neutral uninterested expression,

'Sure, I'll tell her about your plans.'

I watched him absentmindedly adjust his collar and he turned back. I clicked my teeth together,

'Remember to.'

He seemed to dislike people reminding him what to do, as it seemed, or so,

'If you want to find out, then ask her yourself,' his eyes, unsightly to say, darkened as he looked over to me, 'I'm certainly not Shizuru.'

'Well, that is if I can find her.'

He stopped on his step and sharply turned around,

'Excuse me, Kuga_-kun_.'

I folded my arms,

'Well…what the heck.'

* * *

'Did you have to involve him?'

Mai hissed at me. I emptied my class bin and reached over for hers, knowing that whatever I had just told her was shocking enough that her mind would not be able to handle the word multitask. I shrugged my shoulders, tying a simple knot before emptying it into the big garbage bin. I dusted my hands on my skirt, looking up at Mai that held her hands up, looking much constipated than she should be.

'Mai.'

'Why did you have to involve him?'

She hit me hard in the arm and I ducked away from another incoming one. I picked up my bin and kicked hers to her legs, making her stumble a little before groaning. Mai fumbled slightly with her bin, realising that it was already empty. She looked at me as she pulled herself up straight. She glared at me, first that I had seen for a long time,

'You're an idiot!'

'You said to ask someone that knew Kyoto.'

Mai let loose an exasperated sigh and wailed,

'I did say that, but why is he coming along?'

I glanced at Mai that bumped herself against me on purpose,

'He's Shizuru's boyfriend.'

Mai waved a hand at me and suddenly she stopped walking and jerked me back hard, chokingly. I gave out a loose grunt and I was pulled, rather harshly towards her. Her eyes widened and she whispered,

'You know Fujino-_san_?'

'She's my neighbour.'

Mai's grip on my shirt went loose and I slipped out from her grasp, quickly moving to the vending machine. She followed me quietly and then she kicked me on the shin, exactly like what Nao would do; who now had the habit of doing so whenever she saw me. Yes, it was one weird way to greet me. I let out a small noise from the back of my throat and stumbled against the vending machine, dropping my bin.

'You're lying Kuga Natsuki.'

I grunted and reached down to pick it, slipping a hand into my pocket for spare change as I got up. Mai pulled a long face at me and I gave out a heavy breath. I pushed in the coins,

'I'm not lying.'

'Yes you are; one does not just suddenly say that the beauty of the school is her neighbour.'

Mai rolled her eyes and punched the tab for me.

'I didn't want Calpis…'

She looked at me, surprised by my words,

'Oh…sorry.'

I waved her words away, not really in the mood to argue for another can out from her. Taking the drink from below, I slipped it into my pocket before tagging after Mai that walked away to the door. She pushed the door open with her shoulder and I walked in after her, the small waft of hot air brushed across my face. It certainly was hotter inside than outside.

Mai pulled up beside me and eyed me, making me feel a little uncomfortable underneath her scrutinising gaze,

'I trust you, Natsuki.'

'Thank you for kicking my shin.'

I replied flatly and Mai slipped out an apology, laughing not a minute later as we walked up the flight of stairs. The younger students greeted us as we walked along their floor; we hoped that by taking a detour would allow us to skip some of the summer cleaning that was happening within our own respective classrooms. The whole school was doing its annual cleaning before summer break, and it was getting quite noisy.

'I guess that she's a good friend of yours.'

I raised my eyebrows at Mai, avoiding a student that looked as if he was going to topple with the bucket of water he was carrying,

'Shizuru?'

She rolled her eyes.

I averted my eyes and nodded stiffly. Mai waved at a girl, that is most likely in her culinary club, and smiled back at me,

'No wonder why she came looking for you the other day.'

I shrugged my shoulders, turning around the corner to climb another level. Mai dragged me to take a peek at Nao, that we overheard, was on mopping duty. I stood outside Nao's classroom as Mai stuck her head into the room, looking out for the spider that gave me so many troubles. I groaned loudly and Mai excused the both of us when she was informed that Nao had went to the toilet to empty her bucket.

'Why does he have to come?' Mai paused before taking another step, 'He's going to be the only boy…It's going to be really awkward.'

She looked at me,

'Is it not?'

I looked back blankly her, to find that I need not to stop. Mai walked pass me and I followed behind her, lying through my teeth,

'He's protective, I guess?'

Mai laughed,

'Protective? I think you under describe him.'

'What? Are you related to him?'

I walked pass Mai that had now stopped and she stuck her tongue out at me,

'That's my secret.'

Nodding at that, I smiled at her before walking to my classroom. As I slid my class door open, Mai's words stopped my actions,

'I just think that he's being overprotective.' Her eyes seem to soften; yet it just did not feel that it was in a good way,

'It's not like Fujino-_san_ is going to run off.'

Mai gave me a pat on the back and skipped off to her classroom. I watched her enter her classroom effortlessly and the noise around me picked up like a rocket. My ears tuned out of everything and I started to feel heavy again, just when I had felt a lot less lighter. I looked down at the bin in my hands and forced a smile.

Where was she going to run off to?

While I secretly prayed that she ran to me, I caught a glimpse of Shizuru down the corridor, smiling at me.

* * *

**A/N**: Part two continues through summer break! Please bear with me!


	3. Ill-Humoured Girl, part two

**A/N:** Onward! To a conflicting conclusion? For Ai No Tame Ni.

Enjoy!

* * *

'I want Raspberry.'

I looked at Mai incredulously and turned back at the girl that was serving, her unwavering smile fixed after each word. No offence, but it did make me feel uncomfortable.

'One Raspberry please.'

She nodded her head and I watched her scoop out the gelato before handing it over to me. I looked at the said amount of money that appeared on the register and placed the cash out, taking the change with me once she was done. I handed the cone to Mai, looking fascinatingly wowed by the cone of gelato in her hands. I looked at mine and passed a brief smile at Mai that took her first bite of her first gelato she had ever tried.

Surprisingly, she actually jumped.

'One Green tea and…'

I looked over my shoulder to see Upperclassman giving his order over the noise of the crowd around us. He could have told me what he wanted; I guess he just did not want to. As I turned back, obviously disinterested, Shizuru's gaze met with mine and I forced a smile at her, before returning to my own cappuccino gelato.

Under this summer heat, I was glad I listened to Mai advice.

Mai pulled me to side, opening the map she had randomly pulled out yesterday from the brochure stand when we arrived at Kyoto station by the speed of light. Looking at her fumble in holding the map upright, I reached out to hold up one end and both of us stared at the green and blue. After a while, Mai placed a finger on the map.

'I think we're here.'

She looked at me when she finished her sentence and I stared back at her,

'You _think_.'

She huffed a breath and took a bite out of her cone,

'Yes, I _think_ we are here.'

She emphasized, pointing on the map with the end of her cone. I looked dumbly at her and tugged the map out of her hands, passing my cone to her and folded the map up. She looked at me and I cut her short before she had any objections,

'Why don't we just ask Shizuru?' I walked towards the gelato stand, 'I did ask her along for a reason.'

Mai rolled her eyes at me and took another bite off her gelato. I returned the favour and turned around to meet Shizuru looking at me, her cone of gelato preening at me. I actually smiled at it and then shook my head at what I was doing and met with her dark eyes. His voice was much of a disturbance and I shot a quick glare, not to my liking, at him. It went unnoticed by Upperclassman, but Shizuru was fast to catch onto it.

She knows me.

'That's not nice, Natsuki.'

I looked at her, and scowled.

'Enjoy your green tea while you can.' I snorted, not really liking where I was taking this conversation, 'It doesn't have all day.'

Shizuru looked at me slightly hurt and grazed my arm lightly with her free hand. I flinched and pulled back; not when he was around. This supposedly was not to be happening when he was around! Her eyes caught my agitated ones and took the map from my hands. I took her cone into mine when I realised that she was going to unfold the map and gently did so.

Mai appeared from behind me, licking her gelato and looking over my shoulder,

'We're here, aren't we?'

She pointed to where she had pointed earlier to me and Shizuru chuckled lightly. Mai came around me and stood next to Shizuru, both of them looked at the map and after a while, together they pointed at the map, both at different locations. I raised my eye brows and pulled the map closed,

'Both of you are useless.'

Shizuru laughed and took back her cone while I folded the map, much to Mai's dismay. Handing my cone back to me, as we, much more like Mai, decided on walking down the street; I realised that Upperclassman had chosen the same flavour as me. Mai had already finished hers and I looked at mine, untouched. I did not feel like biting in…but I had too. It was expensive.

'Are you not eating yours?'

Mai looked at my hand and I reluctantly pushed it into her hands,

'You can have it.'

'I told you not everything that is made of coffee taste nice.'

I blew a breath out at my fringe and she took a bite off the cold. Mai's following words went unheard as Shizuru stole a glance at me, turning back with a blank face that I had not really seen before. Her fringe swept away her expression and my gaze went to the ground; there was nothing to see.

Not when he was around.

* * *

I pulled my covers over my head and Mai's snoring, not matter how thick the comforter was, made its way to my ears. I gave out a groan and kicked my feet together, hoping that I could do something else that could put me to sleep. I tried counting sheep, but before I could reach ten, I would already be quite frustrated by the background music Mai was performing for free. I rolled over, hoping that with the pillow now over my ears, I would be able to count how many sweet cakes I ate today.

'She's tired, that's all.'

I opened my eyes and found Shizuru's own looking sleepily at me. I was at a loss for words since I was not expecting Shizuru to be awake, for I knew that she was able to sleep in any condition, since she herself could withstand my snoring; yet that was so long ago. Was she not a light sleeper when she was with me?

Oh.

'Natsuki should calm herself down.' She pulled the covers to her nose, snuggling down into the soft _futon_, 'You can't sleep when you're so restless.'

I looked at her in the darkness and I could make out the outline of her body facing me. I snorted, much like Mai was doing in the background, and pushed the covers off my body,

'What do you know?'

Shizuru brought the covers below her mouth and shifted her body closer to mine; she looked as she was thinking about something and the next moment she pushed herself up and leaned over to my bedding,

'I know everything about Natsuki.'

Her dark eyes were alive in the darkness and I could see the shine in them as they locked with mine. Her long hair washed down her shoulders like a waterfall and her locks framed her face beautifully. I squirmed slightly, not uncomfortably but to the extent that I felt extremely comfortable, but she took the former and pulled back slightly to rest her face on a propped up arm.

She was still close. That was what mattered.

I kept my eyes on her and I slipped out unconsciously,

'You don't know everything about me.'

She seemed calm when she heard my words and pulled herself closer to me,

'At least, I know what makes you, you.'

Silence stretched between the both of us, and Mai's snoring seemed to be nonexistent throughout the conversation she had started with me. After a while, I pulled my covers back on as I felt the longer she looked to me, the easier it was for her to see through me. I watched her shift her face closer to mine and I noticed that the glow in her face that I saw last time, during the past sleepovers, was there. Or has it always been there? She blew a warm breath across my face and I easily closed my eyes like how I would open them.

'I know that when I become restless,' She dropped her head down next to mine and twirled her hair between her fingers,

'I think of the things that have calmed me.'

I cracked an eye open at her and she chuckled softly, nudging me in the arm,

'You should do that.'

With that she pulled back with her covers to her futon and sent a small smile to me, before she closed her eyes as she almost immediately dozed off. Mai's snoring came back right away Shizuru drifted off and I groaned loudly.

I looked at Shizuru and rolled over to face her. Pulling my covers to my chin, I closed my eyes and breathed out slowly to no one in particular,

'What do you think of?'

At that moment, I did not know whether my ears were playing tricks on me, or whether it was just the echo of Mai's snoring, but I was sure I heard an answer that seemingly sounded a lot like my name.

Somehow, after that, I managed to fall asleep.

Peaceful, undisturbed sleep that I, for a long time, had found difficultly achieving.

Or was it just a different nightmare?

Like the ones I use to chase away from Shizuru.

* * *

Mai looked at me and I looked back at her with equal intensity and I could feel Nao's agitation starting to build between us.

'Get a grip of myself?! You're the one who's sulking!'

I raised my eyebrows at Mai's question and the exclamation that followed after. Annoyed, I yanked the fridge door open, letting the cold air hit at my face before I snapped back,

'I am _trying_.'

The Calpis bottle gleamed within my reach and I daringly threw more salt onto the gaping wound between us,

'Why do my problems need your concern?'

Mai's gaze went cold and hard on me, and Nao's presence shrunk almost immediately. I reached over for the blue soda bottle instead and the shock of cold metal hit me like Mai's stare. Nao from beside me stepped away and retreated beside Mai as I pulled my arm back from the fridge. Letting the fridge door shut, Mai's voice went soft,

'Never mind.'

I looked at her silently as she reached out to move Nao to the cashier; the pretence I had created was shocking and I waited for them to leave me alone near the fridges. It was getting cold as summer had left autumn in its wake, and drinking a cold drink would be quite foolish. I did not want to get sick before the prelim papers, yet I had insisted Mai that we head over to Family Mart on the way back from school, though how chilly it had started to become.

I pulled the fridge door open again and placed the bottle back. I let it shut heavily and looked at my faint reflection on the glass door. How awkward I had become, my long hair that I had grown out during the summer break was now short again. Short like class representative Toguchi. Short like Upperclassman.

Short.

It was not like me.

Yet Mai and Nao said it was refreshing.

But it was awkward.

'Natsuki.'

I looked up and turned slightly, Mai had come back. She stood at the end of the isle and lifted the bag of items she had bought along with Nao. She forced a smile at me and I think I smiled back. I think.

'We'll wait for you outside, don't take too long.'

She waved meekly at me,

'Nao has to be home before seven.'

I watched her disappear behind the row of boxed candies and I looked back, afraid.

What I am afraid of? What it is that has been making feel this heavy, this itch that does not seem to go away after I have scratched it? This tugging chain, where would it lead me?

I am afraid.

But what am I so afraid of?

That I do not even know.

* * *

'_Naa-chan_?'

I snapped out of my daze and blinked at my mother. Her hand wiped my cheek with a napkin and I pulled back after she had done so, feeling a bit awkward upon finding out that Shizuru had been looking across the table. My mother fussed about me to Shizuru and I turned down to look at my food, the pork cutlet that was sizzling a while ago was now steaming quietly on the stone plate.

I took a quick glance at him and pulled out a frown.

Upperclassman had ordered the same dish as me and as usual, my appetite had left the moment I heard him order the same thing. My mother was surprised, noting how similar he acted like me. I was not surprised, at all. Seemingly because, he was not a bit like me.

I played with my rice before shoving a chunk inside my mouth, taking a long look at the traffic outside before returning to my unattended pork cutlet, which would have now actually already been half finished. Shizuru looked at me as my mother had decided not to fuss about me and had then switched over to talk to Upperclassman. She glanced at my meal and smiled at me, quietly,

'Not hungry?'

I looked at her from the corner and shoved in another chunk of rice,

'No.' I paused between mouthfuls,

'But I've recently noticed that I easily lose my appetite.'

She looked at me and I averted my gaze when I realised that she was ready to inquire about it.

I had taken my mother out to watch a movie, bumping into Shizuru and Upperclassman on the way back, and decided we should have dinner together at a local diner, all latter actions insisted by my mother. Upperclassman had said that he had taken Shizuru on a date to Shibuya, but it more or less sounded that Shizuru had just gone for her Shibuya shopping. I could easily guess it, since it was a Saturday.

At least she still went shopping.

'Tokyo University?'

I snapped out from my daze again as my mother grabbed my arm, my bowl almost slipping out of my grasp. I gritted my teeth at her as she looked at me, happy,

'_Naa-chan_ plans on going there too.'

I looked at my mother who smiled at me and I felt a little bit uncomfortable. I was told that I was splitting image of her, just that she had always kept her hair long and had a pair of red sleek, eye catching, spectacles. By the way that she was smiling now, I found it quite frightening that I would be able to pull out a smile like that.

Upperclassman looked at me, stoned, his chopsticks within his grasp loose. It is not my fault my mother had the habit of telling the whole world about me. I gently tugged my arm out of my mother's grasp and resumed eating, feeling more uncomfortable for there was now another pair of eyes on me.

It was not comfortable.

'I have an interest in Tokyo U.' I reached over to poke at my cutlet, 'It doesn't mean I plan to go there.'

My mother gave out a huge sigh and my ears immediately tuned out, knowing that whatever that followed after that heavy breath would be a lengthy complain about me being fickle minded and a small after-lecture, if there was even such a thing. My eyes strayed away from my food and Shizuru's gaze picked mine up soon after,

'You haven't touched your cutlet.'

'I'm going to eat it.'

I bit back, knowing that she would ask whether I was going to eat it, shoving in another chunk of rice. She took a sip at her tea and rested her head on top of her propped hands, looking at me. Her eyes trained my movement and I stopped chewing,

'It's rude to stare at someone eating.'

She pulled back with a small smile, reaching down for her chopsticks,

'Well, I thought Natsuki was use it.'

I gritted my teeth and swallowed hard,

'I am not Neturo Ren.'

At that Shizuru's eyes widened blankly at me, and her jaw dropped slightly, enough to show that my words had hit her. An instant later Upperclassman had answered to his name and turned to me,

'You called, Kuga-_kun_?'

His voice reached my fingers and I dropped my chopsticks,

'Here, I can't finish this.' I pushed it over, across the table to him,

'Could you eat it for me? I don't want to waste it.'

My mother looked at me and sighed for another time, oblivious to my current feelings. My eyes moved around, in vain to avoid Shizuru's contact. He looked at me for a while, mostly in confusion, before looking at Shizuru and then back at me,

'Sure.'

I turned back to look at the traffic outside and my mother ensued on her fuss about me. Shizuru's silence was a little unnerving and my hands felt heavy. I kept my eyes trained on the cars at the red light and when it turned green, Shizuru's voice cut the silence that my ears had created,

'Excuse me, I need to use the ladies.'

'Are you alright Shizuru?' His words were hard to ignore, 'You look pale.'

'I'm fine.'

We both are?

The clatter of her heels against the floor told me she moved out of her seat and I kept my eyes trained on the green light. Only after a while later, when my mother touched my arm to tell me that I should go to the toilet to check on Shizuru, then I realised that the lights had always been red.

* * *

'Kuga-_senpai_? There is someone outside waiting for you at the pool fence.'

I looked at my junior that walked in and doubled back at her as she reached out to open her locker.

'Who exactly is waiting?'

'Fujino-_senpai_.'

I raised an eye brow at my flustered junior and slipped my jersey off my body, stonily quipping,

'She told the wrong person.'

The other girls in the locker room laughed at that and I sighed, taking out a towel.

'But…she told me to tell you that she was waiting for you.'

I stopped wiping my face and looked at my junior,

'What did she say?'

'To tell you that she would be waiting for you… at the pool fence.'

I looked at the room's clock and grabbed my belongings, quickly zipping my lacrosse stick into its cloth case before rushing out,

'Please remind Nana to wash the jerseys.'

The girls inside waved at me as I stepped out, while some laughed at what I had just said; our lacrosse team manager always forgets to do so. Upperclassman stepped out of the boy's locker room as I did and I stepped pass him, surprised that he was still here. I had thought that he was already waiting with Shizuru, knowing how he disliked tardiness; I would not want to keep him waiting. However, he was still here.

Here.

'Why are you rushing, Kuga-_kun_?' He stopped me,

'You haven't even showered.'

Yes, why exactly was I rushing?

'I have to be…' The importance of being together with Shizuru. 'Somewhere important.'

* * *

'Have you ever been to a public library?'

I looked at Mai that scanned for an empty table and shrugged my shoulder,

'No.'

'Well, let me try to make this a fun-filled first experience.'

I rolled my eyes as Mai tugged me down the rows of books,

'Yes, I can't wait to experience studying in a library.'

Mai stopped and hit me hard on the arm,

'Stop being sarcastic. I'm going to help you study.'

I nodded my head with a smug smile and followed Mai as she tugged me to the tables. However, as we reached the end, both of us noticed that the tables in the library were full. Both with readers, reading, and students like me, cramming for finals and entrance exams. Mai gave out a breath and I folded my arms, giving a false impression that I was disappointed at the scene before me. Nonetheless, Mai knew I was putting up an act and smacked me on the arm again.

'Natsuki?'

I looked back.

'Tokiha-_han_?'

Mai looked over my shoulder and my eyes met with her soft gaze and I averted away quickly.

'Fujino-_san_! Are you looking for a table too?'

Mai pushed in front of me to Shizuru and I looked from the back, noticing that Shizuru's eyes were slightly red and puffy. Had she been crying? I pursed my lips, remembering that I had heard a muffled voice before I drew my curtains closed for the night. It was a quiet night and her cries, despite her slightly ajar windows were deafening.

'Hey, Natsuki?'

Mai waved a hand in front of me and I answered quickly. Shizuru replied instead,

'I hope you do not daze like that during the exams.'

She chuckled behind a raised hand and Mai laughed along with her. I felt awkward taking in their laughter, since I could clearly tell that Shizuru was forcing it. Mai and I eventually shared a table with Shizuru, in a quiet corner of the library and of course I was lucky that the table was beside windows, or else I would not have known what to look at when I was doing nothing.

I was to be studying.

'Natsuki! Focus!'

Mai hissed and smacked my head with her rolled up book, unrolling it as she pulled back,

'You haven't even taken out your books.'

'I left them under my desk.'

Mai hit me once again and I groaned in protest,

'The more you hit me, the more stupid I'm going to become.'

She stopped instantly and dropped her book back onto the table,

'I give up on you.'

'Don't give up on Natsuki.'

I glanced over at Shizuru that smiled at Mai and she looked back down at the notes she was taking,

'She's just lazy.'

This time she glanced at me,

'Right, Natsuki?'

* * *

I slurped loudly despite the people around me and Shizuru simply threw a glance at me. I shrugged my shoulders and leaned back against my seat,

'Fancy meeting you here.'

She smiled under the midday rays and looked back at the crossing below us. Casually, I fingered the blinds I had lowered earlier to cut out some of the glare on my books,

'Have you changed from Shinjuku to Shibuya?'

This time she chuckled and tilted her head back to me,

'It has always been Shibuya. I wanted to see the crossing today.'

I mouthed out a silent _oh_ and gazed at the Shibuya crossing below, my cup of chilled cappuccino within my hands. I was lucky to get a seat by the side facing the road, surprised when Shizuru appeared by my side, even more surprised to find that she was readily drinking coffee. She had never touched coffee before, and today was the first time I had seen her do so.

Due to the lack of content that we were able to come up with, silence lapsed over us comfortably and the chatter from the people poked into our world from time to time.

'I prefer you with long hair.'

I looked up distractedly from reading my book and tugged onto a free lock falling from my head full of short hair,

'Yeah, it's really short,' somehow, I managed to continue,

'I shouldn't have gotten a cut especially when the cold is here.'

After that I eased out a breath and missed her movement, that the second after, I found her fingers lightly brushing across my fringe,

'It reminds me of someone I don't want to think about…'

She smoothed a palm down my cheek quickly and pulled back,

'Especially when I am with you.'

I propped my head up with my arm and stared at her for while. The silence lapsed over us again and she took a sip of her coffee. I turned back to look at the scramble walk below and realised that time was moving faster than I remembered it to be. I still feared what I could not see, I still felt tugged down by something I did not know but now part of me felt washed up by the shores of beach, beaten and drowned a thousand times.

Still I wanted to drown, happily like in the pool waters.

There is the calm before the storm and it calms down again once it has passed.

Has it passed?

Ask her, coward, assuming that she wants to drown too.

* * *

I rubbed my eyes and kicked my bicycle stand up before pulling out and running straight into Shizuru. I stumbled back, catching my breath and as well as my bicycle,

'Don't ever stand behind someone wheeling out their bicycle.'

I stared at her and watched my breath condense away. Winter had come and we had changed uniforms, our blazers now worn and scarves wrapped snugly around our necks. I had lost my gloves on the way to school, a consequence of waking up late, and my hands would be red as a lobster by the time I reached home.

My fingers were already pink.

'Can you take a passenger?'

I raised a brow at her and she stepped up to me, her eyes strong. Her breath wrapped my face and I eyed her, stating the facts,

'Upperclassman would be worried… wondering where you would have gone off to.'

Pulling my bicycle out of the lot, I looked back at her,

'He's already be waiting for you at the gate, isn't he?'

I was not expecting a bite back,

'I told him to head home first.'

I stared over my shoulder and for a while, I was absolutely against the idea of giving her a ride home on my bicycle. My reasons now doubled. Then again, it was going to be the last of any of this. Surely, the last. Shrugging my shoulders, I gestured her to come over and pushed my bicycle out of the shed. Her footsteps matched mine as she walked next to me as I pushed our ride home to the gate.

'You would need to sit in front,' I dusted my seat,

'My father took out the back plate. Sorry.'

'It's alright.'

I hopped on swiftly, and guided her on as she took her seat in front of me. Her hair tickled my chin as she leaned back slightly and I pushed off wobbly, not used to a passenger. I leaned forward a little, finding her warmth inviting as the winds shook me as I paddled. My hands became numb in no time and I could see that Shizuru was starting to feel the chill of the winter wind. However, before I could speak she beat me to it,

'Your hands are red.'

She turned slightly to look over her shoulder,

'Where are your gloves?'

I huffed a breath across her hair,

'I lost them…'

A chuckle escaped and the closer she was to me, how different it sounded. Before I knew it, her hands from holding the bar that she was sitting on moved over mine.

'This time, I haven't lost mine.'

She leaned further back to rest her head against my chest and the warmth that I had not felt for a long time surged through my hands and I smiled, a little more, a one more like I once had. The switching of my gears took over my voice and I pedalled slightly slower down the road, the comforting silence was something I treasured years ago, and now I would like to treasure it again.

An exchange of words, through silence.

How fitting for girls like us.

* * *

'Braaagh!'

Nao looked at me as if I was a stranger, and Mai ran pass us with vigour to the stands that lit the side of the street. I gripped my coat tightly and turned sharply to glare at the spider that looked as pathetic as me,

'I am cold,' I shivered at the gust that came in from the side,

'Do you have a problem with that?'

Nao was silent as can be and instead of biting back, she scrunched up her face; I was certainly sure that she stayed her tongue, not wanting any more warmth to leave her body. I was cold; bone chilled and believed another minute out on the road would freeze me into a brick of ice.

Nao would turn out a lot worst.

She was shivering twice as much than I.

I narrowed my eyes to look at Mai, whom was in the distance, not showing any visible signs of discomfort; she was indeed a summer child. She looked towards us from the festival stall she had stopped at and waved frantically to follow. In an instant later, she was dragging Nao and I along with her, after witnessing how pathetic both of us were moving.

'This should warm you up.'

Mai passed us each a warm cup; Nao grunted first and I looked sidelong at her,

'It's corn, haven't you heard of it?'

She glared at me and stormed off further down the street. Mai returned to my side a second later with another cup of sweet corn within her gloved hands and gave out a breath,

'What did you say to her?'

I stuffed my mouth with a spoon full of corn and grumbled through my teeth,

'Nothing.'

'You're such a liar.'

Mai pulled me by my arm as she said that, dragging a reluctant me further down the street and into the small crowd. Nao was easy to spot from afar, leave her alone for a moment and she would be shaking like a little mouse. I do wonder why she puts up that tough front of hers, the weaker she only gets.

Speak for yourself.

'Natsuki?'

I shook my daze away and looked back from where that came from, the road lit with bright orange lights, the smell of salt strong in the air and the chill in my nose. The sound of distance waves as silent as the deep sea; like I have been so far, this long.

Why do I put up with a mould not made to fit?

'Natsuki?'

I looked back at Mai's voice and she tugged my arm,

'Come on, Nao is waiting.'

Which one, exactly was waiting?

Then I felt myself being tugged along, aimlessly.

* * *

I was restless and I wanted to get up and leave.

'_Naa-chan_, where are you going?'

I stopped rising from the cushion beneath me and looked at my mother,

'The washroom.'

I was surprised I did not stumble on my words. She looked at me with sharp eyes and turned to her left, something I was not expecting,

'Shizuru-_chan,_ will you do me a big favour,' I winced at the words, 'and follow my daughter to make sure she does go to the washroom.'

Shizuru looked at me with an amused expression and my mother turned back to stare me down,

'I'm sure if I leave her to do what she wants, she would go gallivanting and will not come back until all this is over.'

I rolled my eyes and pushed myself up,

'Then you shouldn't have even brought me along.'

'You should tell that to your father.'

I froze under her words and turned quickly to the direction of my father opposite me across the floor and was, very much glad, that he was still in a deep conversation with another man I obviously did not recognise. Shizuru had already excused herself from her seat next to my mother and had arrived beside me. I held my mother's eyes for quite sometime before I broke away, grumbling.

'Don't grumble back young lady.'

Huffing out a breath as I slid the door open soundlessly, I walked out slumped with a silent Shizuru following behind me. I was surprised she even listened to my mother's request; I was no longer a little girl. The cold hard polished teak floor sent shivers up my bare feet and jolted me awake, the cold was making me tired and it was making me stay awake at the same time; ironic to the bone.

'I'm not a baby, Shizuru.'

She stepped up next to me as we turned the corner to another corridor; she folded her sleeves to her front,

'Well, you are still your mother's baby.'

I growled lowly under my breath and chewed onto my lower lip. I should have long known that she was mother's ally. I reached the washroom faster than I had wanted and stepped in to do want I had told my mother I wanted to. However, I did not, since there was no business I wanted to do in the washroom in the first place.

Looking into the mirror, I gave out another grumble as I realised I could not stay in the john for long; Shizuru was waiting for me. I flushed the cistern for all to hear, happy to splash some water onto my face only to look at my reflection, shocked to find that I looked beat.

Dark rings were deep under my eyes and my face leaner than it once was. Now, my hair had at least reached my shoulders, so much different than what it use to be. So much different from him. I opened the door swiftly and realised that Shizuru was not outside.

'Shizuru?'

Great, now who was the one that needed to be looked after?

'Shizuru?'

I stepped into the adjoining corridor and found that she was standing by the window at the far end. She certainly seemed calm and peaceful looking outside, but what was there to look outside when everything was black? Night falls early in the winter and there was doubt to whether one would be able to see anything out in the mountains of Aomori, even the nearby apple fields.

I walked up calling her name but they all bounced back unanswered and the closer I moved towards her, the more worried I became. Dressed in her casual kimono, she was invited by my mother to come along with my family up to Aomori during a short break our school had pulled for us over the week. It was meant for the third years to catch up on what they were lacking in and apparently it did not really matter much to me.

Or did it?

I found out on the train up that it was one of my father's business gatherings and that the attending were welcomed to bring along their families, to stay in a, very expensive looking yet old fashioned inn. It was unbelievable at first, but when I stepped out from the taxi with Shizuru bumping into me from the back, I was, indeed, pinching myself.

Some kind of gathering, indeed.

'Shizuru.'

I called out again, stepping up beside her. She seemed fixated on something outside. As I turned to look, she breathed, excitedly,

'It's snowing.'

Indeed it was, lightly, and her voice was full of wonder that it sounded that snow was made not to fall. It was impossible in Tokyo, but in the northern region, it was nothing. Then again, I had forgotten-

'Natsuki?'

I turned slightly to her voice, touching the window gently with my fingers; long had it gone cold.

'Thank you, Natsuki.'

Her fingers grazed my arm gently as I lifted my fingers off the window,

'Excuse me… Huh?'

She smiled at me and took hold of my sleeve, gently pulling me closer towards her,

'Thank you.'

Thank you.

That is a demanding word.

Her eyes clicked with mine easily as I eased out a confused breath. With that lingering with the silence in the air, she took hold of my fingers and pulled me back to room.

Why was she thanking me?

* * *

'Nao pinned on my corsage.'

I looked over to the bright blossom that adorned Mai's blazer and I shrugged, absentmindedly, trying to remember the face of the girl that had pinned mine on. The only thing that I had managed to salvage from the graduation ceremony were the dark eyes of a junior that came up to ask for the second button of my blazer, other than that, the principal's speech and the valedictory were a waste to my ears.

Dark eyes that reminded me of Shizuru, whom I barely saw over the winter battle.

'Kuga-_san_!'

Mai turned at the chorus of my name and I glanced pass Mai's shoulder to the girls of my class, clustered underneath a blossoming cherry blossom tree at the corner of the school entrance. Their excited waves only fuelled my resolve to stay firmly where I stood but Mai's cheerful cry of encouragement only moved the girls to call out even louder for me.

'Be nice, Natsuki.' Mai clapped hard on my back, 'It's the last day of school.'

Stumbling forward, I winced,

'I'm always nice.'

Ignoring my glare, Mai slapped me once more on the back and sent me grumbling through the crowd, only after agreeing that the following _karaoke_ session would be on her. Weaving through the herds of students, happy and depressed alike, and the mingling parents and teachers, I found myself pulled energetically into taking an album of photos with the girls of my class.

There was Aikawa, Yuzuki, Yamada, Tanaka, Abe, Hashimoto, Inoue, Fujita, Sonoda and…

Oh.

I felt terrible that I could not remember all of their names and after we exchanged email addresses and dispersed into the crowds of dark brown and pink, I sought Mai out, hoping that she was done making photo memories. However, my search around the courtyard was fruitless, and I found myself sluggishly making my way towards the school block.

The smell of spring wafted around me as I stepped pass the shoe lockers, girls and boys laughing and chatting away as they moved out of the building. I could feel myself being drawn towards my class homeroom and the graduation roll within my grasp started to feel heavy. What exactly was I expecting when I arrived at the door of my homeroom, or was it that I was expecting to see the same thing on my way to the library?

The corridors were now empty and my footsteps could be heard clearly on the linoleum surface of the floors. I did not hear a clatter or an awkward groan as I reached the homeroom, and the weight that made me feel heavy only seemed to have greatly increased when I thought it should not. Heaving a big breath, I slid the back door open and stepped through, greeting the neatly arranged tables and the decorated black board filled with well wishes and congratulatory notes.

The silence that filled the room seeped into me as I moved over to my assigned desk, surveying the words that littered across the black board. There were teases and confessions amongst the happy notes and I skimmed through them as if hoping to see something for me. Was I expecting that when I entered, or was I expecting something else?

'Natsuki.'

I jolted, and my reverie broke.

Her dark eyes caught mine easily and I caught my breath before it could slip out and befuddle my mind. The echo of her voice lingered in the still air of the room, fooling my ears to believe that she called out to me again. Shizuru stood at the doorway, a hand on the door, the other by her side, hold loose around her graduation roll. She moved slightly on her stand as I broke our gaze and moved to lean against my desk.

'I thought you had already left.' She stepped in, smoothing over the front row desks with her hand,

'Knowing Natsuki that is.'

Her chuckle died over my silence, my words trying to find some connection to ask why she was here or what she was doing up here. In the end I closed my eyes, folded my arms across my chest and huffed out, frustrated,

'Very funny… What about you? Running away from your horde of admirers?'

She stepped pass me, laughing softly behind a raised hand and pulled out the chair to my desk. I opened my eyes towards the sound of her movement and I took to watch her calmly settle down. Easing her skirt across her thighs, she casually folded her hair back across her shoulder, her gaze smoothly clicking together with mine. My jaw clenched, involuntarily like always, and the glimmer in her eyes easily lost its shine, forcing me to tear my eyes off her.

And her gaze settled gently on my back.

'I'm not running away.' She drifted, 'I had something to do and I politely excused myself.'

'Yea yea, something to do.' I hunched forward, crossing my leg over the other, 'Like what? To find Upperclassman and have-?'

I caught my words immediately and scratched my neck to counter for the stumble. Hastily, I forced myself to follow through the short pause and continued from where I left off, fumbling out a weird laugh,

'Just follow the group of students flocking towards a guy already surrounded by a group of-'

'Natsuki.'

I looked down to find her hand gripping tightly onto the hem of my blazer, her words soft but clear, resounding deeply in my ears. Turning slightly to look over my shoulder, I found her eyes desperate to avoid mine. The silence that followed gripped my body uncomfortably. I should not have said that and all its meanings, but it had gnawed at my memories ever since it was embedded into my mind.

'I was looking for you.'

I redoubled over my shoulder and the grip on the hem of my blazer tightened. Shizuru kept her gaze down towards my table and through her fringe, I found it difficult to lock onto them.

'That was what I was doing.'

Her voice did not quaver and the resolution in her words made me turn slightly on my lean against the desk. I glanced at her firm hold on my blazer and swallowed thickly,

'Well you found me… So-'

'Nothing wrong is going to happen.'

Shizuru breathed out, cutting my sentence off cleanly. Her words always held various meanings and my mind was running as fast as it could to interpret the lot of them I thought it held. Yet, I seemingly could not place a reasonable one to her statement. Eventually, I placed my hand over hers and searched for her gaze that suddenly seemed so fragile.

Startled at my actions, I raised my brows at her confusion and eased a small smile,

'You're right. Nothing wrong is going happen.'

I did not know what I was saying but it gave me some comfort and soothed away the tension between us. A sudden cheer from the outside shook the quiet atmosphere in the classroom and I managed to slip out into a soft laugh at the sight of an alarmed Shizuru. Not a second later, her soft laughter joined mine and we broke out laughing, soon forgetting what we were laughing at or for in the first place.

Before long, we quietened down to catch our breath and held each other gazes silently. Shizuru passed me a smile, one that was no longer forced and moved her hold on my blazer to my fingers. Intertwining them together, she tightened her grip ever so slightly.

The silence of the room filled me up again and I squeezed her hand in return. The both of us revelled in the comforting silence, an exchange always in mutual silence.

Was this really what I was expecting?

Yes.

As long as she held onto me.

* * *

**A/N:** Chapter three starts slow but afresh, so please wait patiently along with me! Thank you for the reviews, the support and to the guests that left something I could not say thank you to!


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